On a scale of 1-10 my stress level is 486

So this is probably not a post for every one . . . but it's my blog and where I come to put my ducks in a row . . .

I don't do drugs . . .

I never have. . .

Never even smoked pot. . .

I'm pretty proud of that.

(I think. This morning I'm not sure. I'm not sure about anything right now.)

So yesterday . . . UGH! Yesterday SUCKED!

Ok so the good part of yesterday. Destiny and I were cleaning up the shop. Looks great. We really hit it hard and are really reorganizing. Jason dropped off Kennedy and I took her with me to Hobby Lobby. Every one thinks Kennedy is soooooooo cute. And she is! She is totally adorable! She is my happy thought when I'm in my darkest hours!

So she and I wandered around Hobby lobby and picked up things to make head bands and hair bows. Brooke and Destiny were going to meet me at my house so we could work on them. We got home and started playing with feathers and flowers and glue and all kinds of other cool things making some wonderful hair accessories! We were having a wonderful time.

The Dog alarm went off when the door bell rang. I looked at the girls and said "Who would be at the door?"

I got up.

Opened the door.

And saw 3 cops standing on my door step.

They introduced themselves as one homicide detective and two Drug Task force officers. They asked me if they could step in. It took me a second before I let them in . . . for some reason I didn't want them in my house . . . I just didn't. I had Kennedy here and the girls, and I didn't want cops here. My head was spinning~ This is NOT my reality.

But I let them in. And they asked me if Alex was home. My heart was pounding . . . My ALEX . . . NOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!!!!!!

I talked to them for a moment, gave them Eddie's number. called Alex. No answer. Cops left.

Sent 911 messages to Alex and Eddie . . . Texted Tony. Freaked out. Wanted to cry and throw up.

Eddie calls me. And then he calls the police officer.

Alex finally calls.

Eddie calls me again and says he is meeting the cops at my house . . . WHAT?!?!?! Not again, I don't want them here!!! But I just say ok. Then the girls help me clean up the living room so they can sit in there and talk. I don't want them here. I don't want them in my house. I don't want them talking to my son, and my extra son. I don't want them in my neighborhood. I don't want them around.

Eddie gets here. And then the cops come. And they sit down in my freshly cleaned living room. Turns out that Eddie and Alex were room mates with a guy who is selling his prescription pain meds. and someone he sold to, overdosed and died. They are trying to get the roommate. They don't want Alex or Eddie . . .

When Alex got home he was super nervous . . . you can tell he was about as nervous and twitchy as I was. UGH! He was probably even more twitchy than me . . . his face was flushed, and his hands were clenched, he was in super stress mode. (And with as Empathic as I am, I can feel him, and it raises my stress level even higher.)

Ok so here is the part that I'm not really sure I want to admit or not, but again this is my blog and I can say what I want. I know that Eddie has had, and hopefully not currently, a drug problem. He has been very upfront with me about it.

And I know that Alex smokes pot. It helps his seizures, and if you have ever seen anyone have a grand mal seizure then you would think that anything that helps with that is wonderful. I don't think that Alex does other drugs, but he has his medical marajuana card (I don't even know how to spell mar . . . maraju . . . marajuana?? Pot)

Let me pause for a moment in my story and say FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! Ok . . . I feel a little better now.

My heart breaks for the family of the young man who over dosed. Since Thomas passed away I hate to hear of a young person dying of anything. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

Oh speaking of being sick to my stomach. So I told the cops they were making me twitch and I drank some cognac . . . it is my house, and I'm over 21 and they are talking to my kids . . . and I have the baby here. I needed Cognac . . . So my over the top stress level caused me to drink a bit too much cognac . . . and I threw up. (this was later in the evening, after the cops had gone, and I was headed to bed.)

So now, my son, Alex has to do something I don't really think I want him to do . . . I can't talk about it. I can't think about it . . . It scares me . . . It hurts me . . . and I don't want him to do it. No, he isn't going to jail. But he has something to do for the cops . . . and in this mothers heart, I'm dying a little . . .

I don't know . . . I just don't know. I'm sick . . . I want to lock my people in my house with me and never let them leave. I feel like I'm half myself . . . like I'm transparent, like a picture slide, or negative or something.

So that's the newest news in Cheriland . . . Please keep my family in your prayers . . . and thoughts, and think good thoughts for us . . . this is one of those major life things . . . that could change the course of our lives.