Tuesday, April 10, 2012

It's been a year

I'm not expecting anyone to read this post, I'm writing it for myself . . . Just so I can get it off my chest and process it.

A year ago, I was betrayed. By the one person I never thought could or would do it.

I've popped in to her work from time to time to "see" her, and most of the time it hurts me so badly it takes days for me to recover from it.

I saw her last week, and still haven't recovered. But then maybe that's because the anniversary of her betrayal is right now.

I want her to sincerely say she's sorry. I want her to tell me how much she has missed me, I want her to make up for what she did to me. But she fills the world with useless words and bullshit. I want substance, I don't want superficial crap. I want her to say, her life is not the same without me in it. That she has missed me so much. That she was stupid and dumb. That if I allowed her back in to my life she would cherish my love and friendship like she had the previous 38 years and would never do anything to risk loosing me again. But instead, she tells me about her cat, (That's fine, I told her about mine) And she says things to me like you would a stranger . . . not someone who was raised with you like a sister.

I guess I don't understand, if she was the one to do wrong, then why am I the one to hurt over this. It doesn't seem fair. It just doesn't.

I miss the girl I knew, the one who was my friend, the one who would have done anything for me, the one that I thought I would have forever and always.

Monday, December 12, 2011

I would like to introduce you to the newest member of my family

I have been pondering a cat for a while now. And fighting with my self over another pet, and one that uses a litter box which needs to be cleaned. BLEK! But my heart kept telling me that I needed a cat, or maybe that a cat needed me. (who knows?) I was at target yesterday morning, and for some reason I wanted to go over to Petco and see if they had any "kittens" (I thought I wanted a young kitten, or a early adolecent kitten) They get them from different shelters and adopt them out for the shelters. But my head was like, "stupid! you don't need a kitten!! Go home!"

So home I went. Then Alex and Darryl and I were sitting around and one of the dogs did something retarded. And Darryl says, "That's why I like cats." So off to Petco I went. They used to have the adoptees in one part of the store and they weren't there. And So I was getting ready to leave, and There they were. Three cages! 2 cats, one said he wasn't up for adoption, and I wasn't interested in a boy cat any way . . . I knew I wanted a girl. And in the other cage was "Stella" I sat on the floor and talked with her through the cage, and asked the clerk about her. And Then I left! I still "thought" I needed a kitten. So I went to Petsmart, because they do adoptions also. I get in there and the whole adoption area is demolished, I guess they are expanding it or something. No cats there.

So back to petco I go, and I walk up to "Stella" again, and asked her if she wanted to go home with me, (I have a little "Doctor Dolittle" in me) She jumped down from where she was laying, and rubbed on my fingers I had poking through the cage . . . (I guess that meant yes!!) So I ran through the store buying all the things I need for her. Filled out the adoption papers and "Stella" and I left . . . got home with my now UNnamed cat. And it was just me and darryl home and he was so excited he could hardly stand himself.

Tempee doesn't care about the dogs . . . they don't bother her at all . . . (And Jade was even here yesterday when we brought her home) No issues at all.

She is not sure what to think of the boys . . . But she loves me already. And I love her.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Happy birthday tooooooo- ME (And Lee)!!

Ok so the pics are out of the order I wanted them in . . . but oh well . . . somethings just don't go the way this red head wants them to.

I celebrated my 45th birthday November 3, 2011. It is also the birthday of one of my MOST favorite people on the planet! Lee Karr!

Lee and I met a gazillioin year ago back in 1993. She became my Writing mentor. *By the time she retired from writing, she had published 49 books!! She is amazing.

So since Lee and I share a birthday I thought we should celebrate it together.

About 3 years ago my friend Jaqui gave me a tiara for my birthday! I have wore it every year since (Pretty much all day!) so I gave a tiara to Lee, so she could be queen for the day also!

We went to Red Lobster by her house, so they wouldn't have to travel very far.

This picture is Top row- Michael (Lee's wonderful hubby) and My Mimi
Bottom Row- Tiara Girls - Lee Karr 86 years yound and ME~

When Lee and I were at Writers conferences we would always drink "Sex on the Beach" So we had to have one for our birthdays! She said when I ordered the drinks, "I was wondering if you had reformed!?" "Never!" I said!

I think that this was the best birthday I've ever had. I was surrounded by wonderful people and I felt so loved and adored. I got to spend my birthday with such lovely people and created memories that I will cherish for a life time.

It isn't the money you spend that makes a birthday wonderful, it's the love thats showed, the expressions of pure joy . . . I had so much love and birthday wishes that my heart was over flowing! And Alex (oldest son) even gave me a kiss on the cheek! (Total shocker!)

This was my BEST DAY!

Turn the Radio up!

My friend Michelle is here training a dog for a wounded warrior. She is with the TADSAW program, and we went on the radio again, to talk all about it. She is head trainer, and I am warrior advocate. This show was pretaped, and will air November 14, 2011, at 3 PM Mountain time.

You can find it on your computer at www.milehiradio.com then go to the Unsung heroes show, and you will find us. That is where you can also find my archived show I did last time I was on- about TADSAW, Make a wish, Locks of love, and of course MY Thomas.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Update on the radio show

I thought I would post a little update about the show.


I didn't cry . . . I guess all the extra help I got "from above" and all the emotional hand holding, good throughts and prayers helped. No tears from me! Although several people told me that I had them in tears.

Here is s link to the show incase you are inclined to listen to it.
*silly side note- in the empty chair in the room where the blue microphone is, is Thomas' scrapbook album. I brought it for "Santa" to see, and then just figured Thomas should be a part of the show. So I gave him his own chair.


Monday, October 17, 2011

Why didn't I just do it?

Have you ever had one of those moments where you feel compelled to do something and then think you are being silly and disregard it? I had one of those days yesterday (Sunday)

I have a pretty big week this week. Well, kind of. I have a pretty big Monday and Tuesday, and the rest of the week depends on how Tuesday goes.

Today (Monday) I am going to be on the radio, on a show called "Unsung Heroes", and tomorrow I get a tooth removed that abscessed last Wednesday and I have been on antibiotics since then for. The rest of the week is still up in the air, who knows how bad the tooth extraction will be.

So back to the point- (I get lost in tangents all the time)

Since this is a big couple days for me, I figured that going to church would be a good thing yesterday morning. I truly do love my church . . . I'm not as active or regular as I would like to be, but I also know that everything comes in time and when the time is right I will do more.

One of the things I really love about my Church is at some point during the service, they bring out "Pray partners" to pray with anyone who thinks they just need a little more. While these people are praying all over the sanctuary, the rest of us are singing, and me, well, I'm singing distractedly . . . as I'm watching the humble people go out to the pray partners and as for help. (I hate to ask for help- I know, it's a personal flaw). Every time I see this happening in the church, these people, heads bent together and prayers being said, I get all choked up and emotional. Its truly beautiful.

I've been pretty laid up with this tooth infection for the last few days . . . and yesterday I was finally feeling as though I was well enough to take on church . . . I got there feeling fine. I got there a little early, and wandered a bit. I walked by the prayer room and wanted to go in . . . but then thought, "how silly are you Cheri, you don't need to go in the prayer room". So I went to the bathroom instead. After my potty break where I didn't really need to piddled, I Went in to the sanctuary and took my seat, I like to sit on the raised seats, by the sound booth, because I love to watch how emotional and impassioned the sound booth guy gets when we are singing. (Yes I get distracted a lot.) I start reading the program, and I'm feeling fine. The service starts and we start to sing, and all of a sudden I'm swaying on my feet . . . I feel like I'm going to faint. I widen my stance, maybe I had my knees locked. My head is spinning. What's going on with me? I leave my seat and go out and get a bottle of water, glance at the prayer room as I walk by, it's still those same people sitting in there, they must be the ones who pray with you or talk to you or help you. How nice for the people who go in there. I'm feeling better. Water bottle in hand, I go back to my seat. They are still standing and singing. So I drink some water and start singing. And I'm back to feeling woozie again, head can't focus, and I feel dizzy, like I'm going to pass out. I have sweat dripping off of me. What's going on?? I sit down and finish singing, I think it would be horrible to faint in the sanctuary during the songs or prayer.

They brought out the prayer partners and I watched the people go to them . . . I love that part of church! Typically brings tears to my eyes . . . This time, I'm crying . . . Why am I crying . . . Get it together Cheri! What's wrong with you?!

Just as they are about to bring out pastor, I grab my book bag and I am going to leave, I am too dizzy to stay, I will go sit in my car for a while.

I didn't make it to the car, some how I ended up the opposite direction of the parking lot, back to the prayer room. I don't remember walking there. I truly don't. All of a sudden I was just there. I stood in the door way for a second and the two people in the room welcomed me in. I didn't even make it to the sofa, before I was sobbing. Good Lord, I hate crying! Sobbing is even worse! And I'm doing it in front of strangers! What's wrong with me!!!!

Some how through the sobs I tell them my name, and that I'm going to be on the radio (today) on "Unsung heroes" and I don't feel like a hero, and I don't want to go on the radio and cry. I don't want to disappoint anyone. . . I don't want to let anyone down, and I especially don't want to let Thomas down.

they talk with me for a while, then they sat on both sides of me on the sofa, and held my hands and prayed for me- with me. I just felt like a quivering mess . . . like my insides were shaking. They allowed me to stay in there longer, and just talk . . . They were very sweet. The longer I sat in there the better I felt. The tears dried up, and I felt a bit stronger.

So, why didn't I just go in there when I first got there? Why did I have to be pretty much dragged kicking and screaming in to the prayer room? (And don't even get me started on "Who" was dragging me in there) Everything in me was telling me to go, and I didn't listen . . . My morning would have been so much easier if I had just listened to what was going on with in me in the first place.

I guess thats part of this spiritual journey . . . learning to listen. To know that spirit isn't going to lead me wrong.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

I'm still here!!!

I'm still here . . .I am not gone . . . I'm not going anywhere . . .

My feelings are hurt . . . you broke my heart . . . you betrayed my trust . . .

How stupid am I?? I miss you. I would still forgive you, if you could "own it", own what you did, with out excuses . . . and don't tell me that it wasn't excuses . . .

Did you choose to drink?

Did you choose to do what you did?

Did you choose to hurt me, knowing how I felt?

You did! I did NOT knock you down and make you drink . . . I did not force you to do what you did. all of that you did on your own, yet I would still forgive you . . . but you would have to truly own it.

Can you actually accept responsibility for your actions? Can you as my forgiveness without pushing off blame on others?

If you can, I still love you . . .I miss you . . . I miss my friend.