I sometimes don't know why it hits me at the oddest times . . . where I think, I will never talk to him again, or hear him call me "momz"
I know that he wouldn't want me to be sad or bitter, that his Bio parents didn't really "let me know" he was passing, or had passed. I found out, from Louise . . . and she was super kind to tell me. So in my "not bitterness" I wrote a letter to his mom and dad yesterday . . . knowing that that is what Thomas would have wanted me to do. I'm not accountable for their actions, but I do need to be accountable for mine . . . And I need to remember that I'm not the kind of person to hurt someone who is already hurting. So here is my letter to Thomas' mom and dad.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Dear Cynthia, Tim and Caitlin~
Thank you so much for your wonderful little thank you card. Thomas was so much a part of my life, and I was honored to know him and be a part of his life. Thank you for living across the street from me!
As so many people loved Thomas here in Colorado, I held a small memorial service for him here in my home. So many “kids” (I guess they aren’t kids any more, but young adults) came and honored Thomas with great memories. I think they really needed to have the closure of the service. It was beautiful. My house was all decorated for Christmas, and so we had candle light, and only the lights of the 10 Christmas trees I had up I the house, it was very small and intimate. We had close to 50 people here. The Mormon church was so wonderful, the provided us with Chairs and cookies! (They are wonderful about cookies!!) We did a balloon Release, with messages written on the balloons for Thomas. Even though it was like 10 degrees everyone went outside and released the balloons. It was pretty wild when the balloons floated right over your old house!
I loved Thomas so much and still ache for my phone calls from him . . . I don’t know if I will ever be able to stop missing him. I have 2 messages from him saved on my house phone, and when I heard them the first time after he passed, I started to cry. It was like he was talking to me from the grave.
I/we would be honored to be there for the scattering of Thomas’ ashes . . . please keep us informed of when you will be doing it.
Thank you for allowing me to be a part of Thomas’ life.
So I'm extending the olive branch . . . Hope they see it for what it is.
Since Thomas his passed . . . I have felt the need to really simplify my life . . . I have gotten rid of a lot of people who were not helping me to be the kind of person I wanted/needed to be. I had a lot of "Friends" who were more of a hinderance in my life, than a good thing. So I Deleted them. People who should have been here for Thomas' memorial service but "Couldn't be bothered" to come over, people who promised one thing and did another, people who didn't care . . . they are all gone now. I deleted about 30 people from my phone, my computer and my life . . . and it feels as though I have a weight lifted off my shoulder. Why is it I was always there for them, but when I was in need they were not there for me ? I didn't understand, but now I do . . . A true friend would have been here for me, shown their support even if they could not physically be here with me.
For the most part the "Deleting" of the "Dead weight" from my life has gone well . . . although there have been a few people who balked at it . . . And come at me with Angry words and saying horrible things to me and about me. So my words to them are, "If I'm such a horrible person, why would you want to have me in your life?"
Since my sweet Thomas' death . . . I feel the need to keep things simple . . . keep the good people, weed out the bad . . . Keep people who want me to be better than I am . . . Rather than to drag me down with them.
With a big heart, I am happy to love . . . I am happy to hold my self to a higher standard.
I miss Thomas . . . I just wanted to say that one more time . . . he's my angel on my shoulder telling me to make my life as good as I can. And then I have my wonderful BFF Gennae (aka Jiminy Cricket) telling me "Delete Delete Delete" I am listening to both of them. :)