Tuesday, November 30, 2010
How can I be 44 and going through puberty again???
Monday, November 29, 2010
When you are angry, you don't HAVE to have vile verbal vomit . . . you can choose to speak what is on your mind. Without saying things that are hurtful and more than likely you don't mean, just because you are angry and you want to hurt someone else . . .
I know that sometimes all it takes is going out and taking a few moments to get calm again, but if you have already said horrible things, you can't take them back . . . they don't just go away, just because now you are calm . . .
I'm a lover not a fighter, but when someone says horrible things to me, and makes accusations that they can't substantiate it pisses me off. . . typically I can sit and listen to someone say things I don't agree with and let them have their say . . . but I get very angry when they first of all say things that are NOT true, and secondly say things like "You think . . . " or "you feel . . ." That really pisses me off . . . YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT I THINK!!! AND FOR FUCKING SURE YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T KNOW WHAT I FEEL! other wise you would not be coming at me like this . . .
When you are wrong and have done something stupid like this . . . you should say "I'm sorry." That would make things so much better . . . trying to feed me cheese and emptying the dishwasher are fine and dandy but you still have to say the words . . . "I'm sorry, I was wrong . . ." and if you can't stomach the "I'm wrong" part, I will settle for I'm sorry.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Here is some of the fun from our holiday!
My beautiful aunty! (she hates to play games, but we MAKE her sit at the table and pretend to participate!) We give her wine and that helps! The boys think it is super fun to get Aunty drunk!
Mom and Aunty watching their team draw in pictionary.
James Drawing, Pop watching!
Me and my girlie!!! What a bucket of sweetness! I love her so much!
Do you see the tear on her cheek? she walked in to the edge of the table . . . I love this picture. . .
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Tomorrow is the anniversary of Thomas' death. . . . And I am struggling.
I'm trying so hard to be strong, so hard to "keep it together", when in all actuality I want to sit in the corner and curl up on my self and cry . . . But the people I live with don't like it when I do that. So I try not to give in to it . . . because sometime when you start crying with sadness, its hard to stop. Right now, it's hard to stop.
Sunday morning, Alex's friend John (Another of my extras) spent the night (he's here a lot, just like so many others are.), so he and I were sitting in the family room talking, he said to me, "You seem kind of blue?" (This coming from a street kid, who has been in and out of Jail . . .) "This is the anniversary week of Thomas' death." (All my extras know/knew each other. They were family . . . Born of my heart, not of my body, brothers of the craziest most dysfunctional family ever to pop up on earth.) John says to me, "I can't believe its been a year . . . I remember talking to him like 5 days before he died . . . We were talking about how he was going to come out in the summer, and all the fun we would have . . . He was excited to come out."
Deep breath, I can talk about this without loosing it, right?
I say to him, "He was super excited to come out, he always loved you all so much. He loved getting to go out with you and have fun and do normal things. I talked to him the day before he died. But it wasn't a great conversation, I was tired, from working at the store for Thanksgiving . . . I was wore out. And so I asked him if I could talk to him "Tomorrow" and he said yes . . . who would have thought that tomorrow would never come. The last thing I ever said to him was, "I love you." and he said "I love you too Momz."
John said to me, that when I called to tell him that Thomas died (I don't remember calling him- I remember calling Alex (my oldest son) but beyond that I don't remember calling anyone else.) John said he was heart broken, and in true "Bad kid" fashion, he drank till he passed out . . . I guess I was going though the same thing "Bad kid" thing . . . because I drank a lot during that time too . . . I just hurt so bad and didn't want to feel . . . and I couldn't think of another way to not feel the deep hurt and loss. (I know that sounds stupid, because I still hurt and I still felt the loss, but it was dulled by the liquor~ when you loose a child, there is no such thing as "comfortably numb" no amount of liquor can make it feel better.)
About this time in our conversation, Alex came up stairs and listened and then chimed in. He looked me in the eyes and said, "Thomas wouldn't want anyone to be sad. He was done. He isn't sick anymore. He wouldn't want you to be sad." And I hear and understand those words . . . They are true . . . Thomas wouldn't want me to be sad. But my heart doesn't seem to agree. My heart wants her boy back . . . (I know that's not possible, but its still what my heart wants. And you know what they say about the heart~ "The heart wants what the heart wants.")
There are better days in this process of grief, and then there are those other days . . . This week is filled with "Those other days".
I got in the shower on Sunday afternoon, and as the water hit my body, the tears started . . . the anger started, the pain started . . . I stayed in the shower and cried till the water ran cold . . . My family hates it when I cry . . . they hate it when I am so sad I can't think straight. The shower is a good place to let go of it all . . . (Typically I'm alone in the shower, and between the water and the tears its hard to tell which is which)
I have fought with God for the past year about him taking MY Thomas from me . . . I have battled and raged . . . I have had days where I KNOW that Thomas is happy and not in pain any more, that he was more than done living, and then I have those days where the part of me goes crazy thinking, he was MINE . . . and I want him back . . . and that its not fair for someone young to die. Dying is only for old people~ for REALLY REALLY old people . . . Young people should NEVER die . . . There was so much he didn't get to do, so many things I wanted for him. I always told him I would be the grandma to his kids . . . where are his kids, where is his wife, where is the life he should have gotten!?!?!?!? I know in my heart of hearts that Thomas is happy to be done living . . . I know that he is where he is supposed to be, I know that he is free from disease and not in pain . . . I know . . . I know it in my head . . . but my heart still aches for my boy.
I have had a lot of love and support this past year, and I'm so grateful and thankful for that. . . My kids, Extras, Tim, my family, friends and SBA ladies . . . so much love and support . . . I am a blessed lady . . . Without the love and support of all my special people I don't think I would be doing as "good" as I am . . . My friend Mimi is spoiling me with Scrapbook things~ she said I should get a box on Wednesday, am I getting the box because it's Thomas' anniversary and she is trying to keep me happy, or because it's the day before Thanksgiving, or because she KNOWS I love getting presents?? I don't know . . . but what I do know is that its a good thing on a bad day . . . and maybe it will help to raise my spirits . . . See the love and support. And Today my BFF Jaqui is coming to see me at the store . . . to spend time with me . . . to hug me and love on me . . . I am blessed.
Alex is right . . .
Thomas wouldn't want me to be so sad . . . but for some reason I just can't help it . . . I miss him so much. I miss our phone calls . . . our talks . . . I even miss the hospital nurses calling me and telling me that the only way they could get him to calm down from the pain is to call me, and have me talk to him . . . I miss his face, I miss his smile . . . I miss everything about him. He was my boy . . .
Friday, November 19, 2010
So here it is the almost end of November . . . and Christmas is looming . . . And Tim tells me that he wants "Long sleeve shirts and pajama pants for Christmas" Ok . . . I can do that, but why didn't he tell me that when I was shopping for Christmas gifts back in August . . . UGH! So yesterday I went and bought him Jammie pants and 4 long sleeve shirts . . . Fine . . . Done again! (I like to be done! It makes me happy !)
I had PT yesterday and then decided to go to Albertsons and Sam's to pick up some of the things I need for Thanksgiving . . . Albertsons had a great sale on things I needed. I spent $6o and saved almost $40! Yeee ha! (But I am grumpy and in pain after PT~ Although it IS helping, and I'm not hurting as much, at times when I haven't just come from PT)
When I was at Sams club, I picked up Frozen Fried rice, Frozen Orange chicken and Frozen Schezwan Beef . . . heat and serve . . . No brainer , right? Or so you would think . . . . (Big sigh)
I decided that I'm not cooking . . . it's frozen food, anyone can make it . . . I bought it, I am home from PT, I hurt, I shouldn't have to cook it. Right? so I tell Alex (My 22 year old son)
(Mine is the one on the Right, the tall one with his smilie face undies hanging out of his pants. ALWAYS hanging out of his pants!) I tell him it's his turn to cook . . . He is in college for Wind energy Technology, I think HEATING frozen food should be something he can do . . . Right?
Flash forward a few minutes and Alex calls from the kitchen "Mom, I think I put too much oil in the meat." "What? How much did it call for?" "2Tbs." "How much did you put in?" "I don't know, I just poured it in." "ok son." That's all I said, I left it at that (I continue to sit on the sofa, it's my night off from cooking, Right? I think my super smart son can handle this!) . . . a little while later he says "Foods done." (I guess I should clarify that . . . HE was done cooking the food, IT was not necessarily done.)
Go in to get a plate of food . . . The Schewazan beef is floating in oil! (He was right he did put too much oil in the pan!!!) I take the pan to the sink and drain the oil off . . . ICK! and the Fried rice is coated in oil also, not as much as the beef but it is slimy and leaves oil in your mouth, and the chicken in the rice is still frozen! The orange chicken was all right . . . but ooooo doggies who would have thought you could screw up FROZEN FOOD! I didn't! but now I know, it can be done!
We all Gag down the food . . . and am going to head up to bed . . . pass through the kitchen on my way . . . and oh my GOD . . . my kitchen looks like a heard of Chefs has passed through and created the most amazing meal ever to be had! Everything I own is dirty . . . (But we have a rule, the one who cooks doesn't have to clean up or put away~ except when I cook then it's still all on me~ although I haven't had to put the food away in the fridge for awhile~ Someone usually puts it away) So this morning I have to go down to my kitchen and clean it . . . since I didn't have to cook last night.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
Have I mentioned that being in the Boot/cast thing sucks . . .
Have I mentioned that I hate PT (Physical Torture) . . .
Have I mentioned that I hate SB (Skinny Bitch who must be knocked down and force fed twinkies~She is my PTer). . . .
Have I mentioned that yesterday when I was at PT, SB actually made me cry . . . Tears and everything
Have I mentioned that I really don't want to go to PT any more . . .
Have I mentioned that since I have been going to PT that I have had to take constant pain pills to manage the pain that SB puts me through.
Have I mentioned that I am pretty tired of all of this.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
And to add insult to injury (Quite literally) I started PT (physical therapy) yesterday . . .
Ok, so . . . my foot hurts. Its documented . . . x-rays, MRI . . . many many doctors . . . Foot is totally "FUbarred" (If you need a definition of that word let me know, but I think if you really think about it, you will figure it out) So why would you send some one whose foot hurts to have it be rubbed and stretched and tortured . . . Seems like a bad plan to me!
So this woman, we will call her "skinny bitch who needs to be knocked down and force fed twinkies" or SB for short . . . grabs me by my owie foot, and starts trying to make my toes touch my shin . . . Humm . . . Foot doesn't bend that way. Good foot bends that way more than bad foot, but SB doesn't seem to think that is so . . . so SB twists and turns and then she does something "extra special" to "help" she starts rubbing the owie parts . . . I mean REALLY RUBBING them . . . like digging and rubbing . . . and rubbing and rubbing . . . What is wrong with this SB!!!!?!?!?!?!? Doesn't she know that that hurts!!!
She says that the rubbing will help to heal the tears . . . WHAT?? How is that supposed to help??? I would think that it would make them hurt worse and rip more! I think SB is STUPID!!! I think that SB needs to be knocked down and beaten up!!! SB is MEAN!!! I don't like her at all!!!
Then after she is done mangling me . . . she decides that ICE will make it feel better . . . WHAT???? I don't like to be cold, ICE doesn't feel better it hurts me . . . I don't like ICE at all! SB is a horrible Person!
And after all of this torture . . . she tells me I can put my boot/cast back on and meet her at the desk . . . then she tells me, that I have to come back. WHAT?!?!?! I don't want to come back! You can't make me!! I hate SB! I hate torture! I hate Ice . . . I hate everything about this horrible foot thing!
I make appointments to go back again because I can't reach SB and snatch her head bald, because she is behind this big counter . . . and there would have been too many witnesses!
Then after taking Viccodin in the car after I hobbled out to it . . . I came home and laid on the sofa till Tim put me to bed . . .
Have I mentioned that this foot thing is a real pain in my . . . foot! (Bet you didn't think I was going to say foot!)
Thursday, November 4, 2010
I think we all get mired down in life, and forget how much we are loved, how many people care about us . . . we focus on the little crap and forget the big picture. We sometimes feel as though we "walk alone" through life . . . that we don't have the comfort of people to hold us up when we are down. But they are there!!! They really are!!!
Yesterday made me really see, I'm loved . . . day to day life may get me down and may make me want to run screaming through the streets naked . . . but its the things, like knowing how many people care, really care, that makes my heart sing.
So when you are feeling blue . . . sit back and think about how many people really care about you. How many people love you and have your back . . . I bet you'll be surprised at how many people you have!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Thank you everyone for the wonderful wishes and making me feel so extra special!!! You are amazing!!!
I am so blessed to have wonderful people like you in my life!!!!
Oh and the presents have been FANTASTIC!!! I wish I could have my birthday every day!!!