Saturday, February 5, 2011

Sad news

My uncle Richard died yesterday. Feb 4 or 3. (I don't know exactly I'm not really in the loop of knowing details~ and as I am a detail person I feel extra out of sorts for not knowing.)

He had pulmonary fibrosis. And then late last year in 2010, they told him that he also had single cell cancer. At that point they took him off the donor list (he was on the donor list for a lung transplant) and told him to go home. The end was near, they would keep him comfortable but the lung he had hoped to get was not part of the plan anymore.

I talked to him on the phone right around thanksgiving, and he seemed in good spirits. He struggled to breath but we had a good conversation. I had tried to text him a few times since and never received a response, but come to find out, he didn't have a cell phone any more. (Which I didn't know about till last night~ Again, not in the loop)

I go through this every time someone from this side of my family dies. I'm totally out of the loop, as I have been for my whole life. They don't know me, I don't know them, and though I try to keep in touch with them, it seems as though my efforts are futile.

Even when my own biological father passed away, everyone called to talk to him and say goodbye, I had no idea what was going on, and no one bothered to call and tell me. I thought he was safely in the hospital, and planning on going to the next hospital the next day. I didn't find out what was going on till the following morning at about 5 my aunt called to tell me he died, and then about 4 hours later my sister called me. I didn't get to say good bye, and the last time I had talked to him, my words were flippant and insensitive, "Only the good die young Joe, you should be around forever." He proved me wrong. He died 3 months later . . . And those words to him have haunted me since. I didn't ever get to say what I wanted to, or needed to and that has haunted me since, and I'm very angry at my family for not allowing me that.

Then when My Grandma died the same thing happened. A day or so after it happened my uncle called and told me she died.

and now the same thing with Uncle Richard. I never get the opportunity to say goodbye . . . they always take that from me. I'm out of the loop and it hurts my feelings.

But I need to snap myself out of it . . . I need to realize that this isn't about me . . . I need to send love and compassion to my family who is missing the loss of the person who passed . . . but its sometimes hard to move beyond my own feelings and think outside of myself.

As with Thomas I think someone who has had to suffer with a long debilitating disease when they finally get to the end of their lives they are relieved, and I think sometimes the family is a little relieved also . . . for the one ready to go on to the next adventure they see it as a beginning of the end of the pain, and the excitement of the unknown . . . for the family they see the loss, the every day ache of not having that person around any more. As my family in Texas grieves I send my love and compassion, and if they let me know when the funeral is, I will send flowers. Its not much but it makes me feel better to do it.

I'm sure Uncle Richard was ready to go. . . I know he will be missed.

Rest in peace Uncle Richard!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

The most amazing thing

I am so blessed.
What a simple statement, but means so much.

After last years pain of loosing Thomas and then the rebuilding of my life again and figuring out who I would keep in my life and who I wouldn't and reinventing myself with my new sense of self, I didn't know if I would ever allow someone new to come in to my heart again. After all, letting Thomas in to my heart was what made it break so badly, right? (No not true, but sometimes in the dark days my heart felt like that.)

I cleaned house last year, deciding who would stay in my life and who would go. Who was actually a friend and who wasn't. Who shared the vision, and who didn't. Who had a heart filled with love for me, as much as I had a heart filled with love for them.

Late in 2010 I made a new friend. It was a "By hook or by Crook" kind of meeting, we are both "Friends" (I use the word lightly) of other people and kind of bonded over a dramatic "Friend" issue . . . but then the "Friends" kind of went away, and still we were there, still wanting to talk, still wanting to be friends . . . It's developed in to something wonderful.

She helps to push me to achieve my goals, and I help her to see how wonderful and amazing she is~ (No one has ever told her how great she is before)

So . . . here is why my word for the year is BELIEVE . . . I have been editing my books and writing again, and she has been helping me. I have 3 books ALMOST READY to start going out to publishers and agents to see if they will publish me . . . (Scary, but very exciting.)

Well she has been talking about a "Super secret Mission" for a long time . . . she was sending me a "Super secret mission" . . . she wouldn't give me many clues about what it was, and so I was totally clueless (Ok so most of the time I am pretty clueless~ but that's beside the point)

So yesterday my "super secret mission" came in the mail.

Woo hoo! I was excited to see what it was! the build up for this box was huge, and I was very excited to get it.

And when I opened the box the first thing I opened was a brandy warmer . . . Very cool! Love it, and then the second thing I opened was this really cool pear brandy with a real pear in the bottle (Apparently they grow the pear in the bottle) and then the third thing was a book . . . MY BOOK!!!!

My amazing friend MADE ME MY BOOK!! She had her friends make the pages and another friend make the binding, and another friend do the art work!! OH my FUCKING GOD!!! This is the most amazing thing I have ever received.

I saw it and teared up . . . the realization that my book could actually be a real book is over the top wonderful! Oh my god! I can't believe it when I look at it, it's my book~ MY BOOK!
I know that may not make a lot of sense to a lot of you, but to see my story written out and put into book form is like one of the hugest things in my life.
I can see my dream . . . I can see the vision of my book being a real book . . . I can see people sitting on buses and trains reading it. I can see women laying in the bath tub falling in love with my characters . . . I can see it! I can really see it!
The reality of my book being a "Real book" is there, its firmly planted in my heart . . . I can see it, and you know what they say . . . "If you can dream it (see it) you can achieve it!" I can see it!!!

I can really see it!!!
And I have my friend to thank for it. Thank you for making my dream and my story into a reality! Thank you for coming in to my life! You have made my life a better place!