just letting you know . . . .

My life is kind of a "clusterfuck of gargantuan proportion" right now . . . and I don't really want to get in to it . . . I'm sure I will share at some point. But considering my current life and how I was feeling this morning. I was weepy and crying. My friend Susan said to me, "Turn on KLOVE radio station and listen to that, it always cheers me up." I promised her I would. So as I was pulling out of my drive way today to go to the doctor to get my cast off my foot, I changed the station to KLOVE. AS the song was coming on, I realized it was Thomas' song from Mercy me- I can only imagine. I started crying again . . . because I could feel that Thomas was letting me know that everything was going to be all right. That things aren't as bad I was thinking they were. I love moments of "thomas-ness"!!!!!!

How do you feel?

When I was younger I thought I was so wise and smart. I thought I had the tiger by the tail and knew it all. I was wise beyond my years. (or so I thought) When I was 16 I decided that that was the best age, and wouldn't "mentally" age past that, and if you know me in Real life, then you may believe that I really haven't mentally aged past 16. And if you don't count in the foot thing I am currently experience, I still really do feel young, maybe not 16 any more, but maybe in my 20's. In Physical time, I'm 44, at least that's what my birthday cake told me on my last birthday. This got me thinking do the people who are celebrating their 100th birthday feel as though they are 80 or 70 or 60 . . . Do we always feel as though in our minds and heart we are younger than our physical age? My Grandpa lived to be 90, he had Alzheimer's, and didn't know who any of us were, he didn't remember that he had hip replacement, and shouldn't cross his legs any more, (So he would cross his legs and pop his hip out) but he was happy. He found joy in each and every moment, even though he couldn't remember. I remember one time going to the nursing home to see him. I had just had Alex, he was about 7 months old, and still in the walker (and he was in the walker on the patio rolling around) . . . My grandpa wanted to hold Alex. I was scared to let my grandpa hold Alex. My grandpa was so . . . Broken . . . he wasn't physically what I remembered him to be . . . (an old farmer man who had made his life working hard on the land) But I stood close and let my grandpa hold Alex. My grandpa was so happy and excited. He loved holding my baby. He smiled so big, and kept saying "he is such a heavy little fella". It was one of the greatest moments of my life . . . so simply bring this kind of joy to my grandpa. What a blessing. My grandpa didn't know how old he was, he didn't know how "broken" he was. And I love that. His mind was not at the same place as his body was. If we all spend less time thinking about how broken we are and simply enjoy the way our heads and hearts feel, "16", then I think we would be happier. I find myself getting mired down in the worries of today (and yes, currently I do have a lot of worries, lots of changes on the horizon) but if I stay true to my head and heart, and focus on fixing the things I can and finding joy and bliss in each and every moment, then I think the worries of the day will fall away and I will feel more like 16 again . . . What is the age of your head and your heart?

I'm still here

I survived my surgery . . . but I don't know if I will actually survive my recovery . . . Good grief is it hard to lay around and do nothing, since I cant put any weight on my foot . . .

I hate being dependant on people to bring me food or drive me around . . . I'm too independent for this.

So since I'm stuck being broken right now, I'm feeling a little blue . . . but I figure this is temporary . . . and eventually I will be up and about again, and be better than before . . .

Since I got my "rollabout" (A scooterish thing you put your bad leg on and then use your good foot to push your self around on.) I'm a little more mobile! and I love it! I'm so happy I have a little more Independence!

It's amazing how much TV I have watched . . . UGH! Have I ever mentioned that Day time tv sucks. It really does. Thank God I have tons of movies and I'm able to watched them so I don't have to just watch TV.

I watched the movie Hereafter the other day, it was pretty good. But I got this line from the movie. "Death doesn't kill love" I love that. I think about that with Thomas. . . . Just because he died, doesn't mean I quit loving him.

Oh speaking of Thomas, before I had my surgery, I felt Thomas with me, assuring me that I would do fine in my surgery. He wouldn't allow anything to happen to me. I think this was my 13th surgery (They say that the more times they put you out for surgery the worse it is for you and the harder it is to bring you back from it) So the morning I had my surgery, I was calm. I felt Thomas with me . . . When I got to the hospital, they were getting ready for my surgery, and took my blood pressure, it was 70/110 (pretty low) The nurse was so shocked at how low it was, because I was so calm, that she took it twice to be sure. Apparently the surgery went well, I haven't heard that I had any problems. In Recovery I did well and got to come home within a few hours of surgery. Pretty much I think that I was too gorked out on pain meds after surgery that I didn't feel Thomas any more. So I don't know if he was still with me or not.

Since Thomas' death, it seems that when I really need him, he is here with me. I love that. I miss him terribly still, but I feel so blessed that I am able to have him with me from time to time.

So I'm sitting here, happily I have a laptop and I'm able to stay in touch with the world at large and not go totally crazy(ier).

I did get out of the house for a bit yesterday, I was able to go for a little drive, but having my foot NOT up caused it to swell horribly, and that gave me a lot of pain . . . so I guess I'm not able to do that again for a while . . .

Well I have a hankering for "BACON" (food of the Gods) now, so I think I will go get my rollabout and head to the kitchen.

Hope you have a fantastic day!

Surgery March 4

Well Finally!!! That's all I have to say about that! I'm FINALLY going to get my foot surgery and be able to get my life back.

So I want to take a moment and tell everyone how much I love and appreciate them.

My boys you all are total goobers but I love you with all my heart! You are the best thing I have ever done in my life.

My wonderful friends, Jaqui, Lorinda, Mimi, Gennae, what would I do without you? Hopefully I will never find out.

Tim, thank you for all you have done and been.

My most amazing mom and dad ~ Need I say more, they are wonderful beyond anything thing a girl could ask for, I am truly blessed to have them.

A persons life is colored by the people who cross their path, that change and add colors to the page . . . and my life has been enriched and colored more brightly than I had ever hoped it to be. My life is a rainbow because of all of you who have blessed me with your love and friendship.

Thank you all!

I will be a bit out of commission for a while with this surgery, so if you don't see a blog post for a while, just keep checking back, I'm sure there will be one as soon as I'm a bit more mobile.