Calling . . . calling all Cheri's . . . ok just one Cheri . . Me.

I have had a lot on my plate lately . . . a plate that has felt over full . . . heaped with piles of things I didn't want to eat, just couldn't bring myself to stomach. So slowly . . . ever so slowly . . . infinitesimally slow I have been scraping my plate. There are certain things in life that we have no control over . . . and I have realized I have little control over . . . anything.

But in this realization~I realize I have a calling.

I bet you are wondering what that calling is . . .
Well, you aren't the only one . . .
I am wondering too.

Its like I feel it deep inside of me . . . something pushing me, something pulling me, something that is in the back of my head at each and every step of the way . . . Cheri . . . Cheri . . . Cheri . . . Calling me.

I know those of you who know me have probably got your fingers on the phone to call the loony bin to come pick me up . . . (I know you just want to collect that $50 buck for turning in a crazy person ~ ) I'm not crazy . . . ok . . . that was a lie. I am crazy. You know it, I know it, there really is no hiding it. But that is part of my charm, part of what the draw of ME is . . . . You know you love a little Crazy in your life . . . why else would you be my friend, why else would you draw me in to your life? You like Crazy . . . you know it, it's time to just admit it.

My friend Mac always says to me ~ "Cheri you have a Great big Heart and an itty bitty brain" I don't take offense to this comment, because I know it's true. I know in that Great big heart of mine that its true.

My heart has known pain . . . because it is so big. I have brought people in to my heart who have lied to me, and hurt me. I have brought people in to my life who I thought would be here forever, and then they left me. I have brought people in to my life and hoped and prayed for their good, but in the end they have worked harder than my hopes and prayers to destroy themselves. I have LOVED . . . with every fiber of my being. And even through all the pain, I would not trade one moment of the pain of loss and hurt, for those special moments I have shared with the people I have brought in to my life.

I think that's the biggest thing I have learned lately~ That even though things didn't end the way you wanted them to, the journey, those special moments, the connections, the special gifts, the time . . . it was all so worth it.
My heart was touched . . .
my life will never be the same.
I am forever changed by the things that have happened in my life.
I am forever changed by the path I have walked.
Isn't that cool?

What if I had never left Drew? (I can hear the collective groan . . . Be nice!) part of me thought I would never recover from leaving him. That I would hurt and ache from that forever . . . but slowly my heart healed. I grew strong again. And the biggest blessing of all . . . I was given Tim . . . but would I have been ready for my love with Tim if I hadn't been "blessed with Drew" (Ok you can giggle at that) I learned so much . . . I grew through my pain, I learned how strong I was.

My Friend Johnny and I would walk and talk, and it seemed as though the conversation always came up "Do you get more than one great love in a life time?" I had my doubts. I thought I had already had it. I thought Drew was it. And through some horrible cosmic catastrophe I had let it slip through my fingers. But . . . then the blessings of a good man. . . of a different kind of love . . . came in to my life. And I had the sense to see it and appreciate it. But I don't think I would have, could have, if I hadn't been through the rain storm.

Its not "logical" to "think" with your heart, but I've never been accused of being logical, so that doesn't bother me. And if you are a fan of the TV show Bones, you will hear Brennan saying "It is impossible to think with your heart." But I do. I think with my heart, I feel with my heart, I love with my heart . . . everything I do is emotionally driven. It makes me a good artist, a good friend, a good lover, a good human . . .

I have struggled . . . I have been through a lot of things in my life . . . Things that have hurt me, taken me down to the bare bones, things that I would never wish on any one else. Things that have left me bleeding metaphorically. Things I NEVER thought I would recover from. But with all the struggles I have been through in my life, I think one of the hardest has been loosing Thomas. (I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry , I'm not going to cry . . . ok, I'm a little better now.)

Thomas, my angel , has taken me by the hand . . . and shown me the things I should be doing. (No, I haven't been visited by his ghost, although I would like that ~ I know you think I'm strange. No he has not literally taken me by the hand. (No you don't need to call the loony bin).

With his escape from this world, I have ached , hurt, cried , and been ANGRY I have been angry at everyone, from my friends, to Thomas' family, to the hospital, to Leukemia, to the fact that no one made Thomas Rice-a-roni, to the fact that Virginia is so far from Colorado, To God. I have been so angry at God for taking MY sweet Thomas from me that I am surprised God hasn't struck me down with a lightening bolt. But instead HE has just brought me rain . . . rain to hide my tears, rain to help cleanse my hurts. And then he brought me rainbows!

So I hear a calling . . . a calling to do more than I am doing now.

"Calling" . . . MY Calling. I don't know what it is . . . Do you? I feel my self on the first steps of the yellow brick road . . . and just like Dorothy I'm going to "follow the yellow brick road" I don't know what perils will befall me on this path, I don't know exactly where it's going to take me, I don't know who I will meet, but my ruby slippers on set on the beginning of the path and I'm going to take that first step.