What's he trying to tell me

So yesterday was a VERY strange psychic day for me . . . they don't happen often but when they do they really hit me hard.

It started off with the dream (see previous post) which left me happy to have gotten to spend a little time with my sweet boy.

Then on the way to work, I had a new book on CD that I had just opened up and turned on to play. And one of the main characters in it is THOMAS . . . ok. . . strange coincidence??? Right?

Then I get in to the store and I turn on the radio and start working on the computers, pulling out my orders and what not . . . and I realize that on the radio is the Psychic John Edward . . . he is talking to people in Colorado and doing readings for them. I listen as its super interesting.

He gets a call from a lady and she is wanting to know if her loved one is all right now. He says, "I have a Thomas coming through." she says, "I don't know a Thomas." He keeps going on that he knows it's a Thomas coming through . . . She keeps telling him that she doesn't know a Thomas. He says, "He's a young man, and had like . . . cancer or something." She says "I don't know a Thomas." then he says, "Well he just wants me to let you know that he is All right." By this time I'm crying because I feel it was my Thomas letting me know he is here and with me!!! Oh my God!!!

I freaked out . . . panicked that he was trying to tell me something bad was happening, but then realized with a little help, that Thomas wouldn't come to tell me bad things . . .

Then later in the evening, Tim and I were watching TV and there was an actor I wanted to look up to see what else he had been in . . . and the first thing that pops up on IMDB is the actors birthday . . . NOVEMBER 24 . . . that's the day Thomas Died!

So it was a super weird day . . . I wonder what Thomas is trying to tell me.

I didn't want to wake up

So I'm dropping someone off somewhere . . . and I'm out and about in my jammies.

And suddenly Thomas is beside me. I'm SO happy to see him him. I hug him and love on him, and hold his arm as we are walking.

I say to him, "So you really didn't die!?!?!?! I knew they were lying to me. Why didn't you call me?"

"I don't have a cell phone." He says softly.

"Lets go buy you one so that you can always contact me."

"I don't need one." He shakes his head as we continue walking.

"So you are going to stay here with me???"

"Always."

"I'm so happy!!! But I gotta pee (I think I had to pee in real life)." So I run in to this bathroom and it's like church had just let out and all the stalls are full . . . and there are lines everywhere, there are a lot of stalls . . . but so many more people. All of them with little kids, and grand kids.

I finally get to the front of the line and all of a sudden my mom walks in and walks right by me and cuts in line. I go to retrieve my mom so that the crazy women don't beat her up since she cut in line, all the time I'm thinking I just want to get back to my Thomas. That I hate being away from him . . . And I loose my place in line . . .

Then I woke up . . . I turn my alarm off and pray that I can get back in to my dream so I can see Thomas some more . . . But I couldn't. I didn't wan to wake up.

A heavy heart

I haven't figured out why the diagnosis on my foot has hit me so hard . . . I have known for some time that there is something seriously wrong with my foot. But to "know" how bad it really is has thrown me for a loop.

Two partial tears?!?!?!

I didn't know it was going to be that bad . . .

So now to the specialist.

I think the thing that troubles me is that with it only being partial tears, they are probably going to just keep me in the boot, no surgery . . . which I guess is both good and bad . . . surgery sucks, but to have to be in the boot through the winter and potentially another boot to sleep in has made my heart very heavy . . . To me that is NOT a fix . . . that is torture . . .

Back from the doc

Can you say it with me???? UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH I have a Grade 2 ATFL tear in my ankle~ Here is the discription~ Ligamentous injuries of the ankle are common among athletes. Inversion injuries of the ankle account for 40% of all athletic injuries. The anterior talofibular ligament (ATFL) and the calcaneofibular ligament (CFL) are sequentially the most commonly injured ligaments when a plantar-flexed foot is forcefully inverted. .Ligamentous injuries of the ankle are classified into the following 3 categories, depending on the extent of damage to the ligaments:
.Grade II is a partial tear. Moderate pain and tenderness is present. Mild to moderate joint instability may be present. AND~~~ I have partially ripped My Achillies Tendon, it isn't all the way off either . . . So . . . that's whats going on with me.
I am waiting on insurence to approve the specialist . . . and hopefully I will be able to get in with him in the next few days . . .
The doc today said to me, "Well, at least its not all in your mind." UGH UGH UGH!

MRI results

Today!!! I'm excited to finally know something about my stupid foot!

I'll let you know what I find out as soon as I know.

Lets see . . . .

Super fast update on "Things"

~ No one should have boobie issues!! NO ONE!!! (Especially not my people) feel your boobies frequently

~ No one (Especially me) should have foot issues

~ MRI results still pending, should hopefully know on the 27th (I hate to wait)

~ I have a new friend, she is fantastic and spoiled me rotten with wonderful scrapbook treats!

~ Kennedy is one of my most favorite people on the planet! and she loves me so much, almost as much as I love her.

~ If someone sends you a gift , you should call or text or email or snail mail a thank you! Rudeness is not tolerated in Cheriland!

~ people should not do drugs, and if they do they should not have children

~ the stomach flu sucks

~ Birthdays are wonderful . . . (mine is coming soon) don't be upset that you are getting older, be happy you are getting older, the other alternative is that you could be dead and not aging anymore . . . that would suck! Be happy! I love my birthday!

~ home made noodles ARE supposed to be chewy (I didn't know that)

~ Pink is a happy color!

~ sparkly things are beautiful and very distracting!

~ I am soooooo ready to decorate for Christmas , but have been "Trying" to wait till AFTER Halloween this year! Last year I was handing out Halloween candy while the Christmas trees were already up and lit in the house!

~ humm . . . I had something else I was going to tell you but now I've forgotten . . .

~ Oh, I have leaky brain!

Someday this fella is going to be such a good Daddy! he's already a wonderful uncle!!!

I have nothing good to say . . .

My foot . . . my pout . . .

You know me . . . well . . . at least some of you do . . . and probably what you do know about me is I totally HATE things that are out of my control . . . I hate that Thomas died . . . obviously . . . I hate that the economy sucks . . . I hate that business is slow . . . I hate . . . BAD DRIVERS . . . ooooo doggies do I hate bad drivers . . .

And you know what else I hate . . . I hate that my foot hurts and that they put me in one of those big boot cast thingies . . . it's heavy, makes me walk funny, and look stupid.

And Tim made me ride around in one of those old people carts at the Sam's club since the doctor said I have to stay off of my foot . . . UGH!

How on earth can I do all the things that I need to do and have this ugly thing on my foot??? I'm not one of those people who can just sit there and have this ugly thing on my foot . . .

Still waiting to get the MRI scheduled . . . but at this point, things are NOT looking good.

My foot

So my foot has been hurting for a month or so . . . and it has just gotten worse and worse . . .

You know, you try to baby it, when you first feel like it's hurting, and wrap it and soak it and try to stay off of it . . . but then it keeps hurting so you rub it with some stinky stuff . . . and that still doesn't help, so eventually you go to the doctor, (oh before you actually GO to the doctor, you call your friend who is a doctor and ask her what's wrong with it, and she tells you what she always tells you, "I can't diagnose you over the phone, I can't see it!")

So finally you go to the doctors and when you lift your pant leg to show the doc what you got going on, he is like "holy moly that is swollen!"

Yes, I already knew it was swollen . . . that's part of the reason I'm here, and it hurts!!!

The trusty doctor gets out his little prescription pad and writes out a prescription for anti inflammatory . . . and I start taking those in the parking lot of the doctors office!!

Finally some of the swelling goes down, but I still have tons of pain! (And I hate the pain pills, they really make me feel "gorked out" like the world is moving is FAST/SLOW MOTION, does that even make sense . . . I am totally no good on those pain pills, might as well sit at home and drool an stare at the walls . . .

Well, last night I was inspecting my foot since the swelling has gone down so much but the pain is still running rampant . . . and I feel this "knot" at the back of my ankle . . . holy crap!!! What is that??? And just in case you don't know what to look, here is an arrow to direct you to the bump at the back of my ankle.

So I'm thinking that what ever the doctor thinks popped off he told me either tendon or ligament, that it snapped back to the back of my ankle and is just sitting there in a little knot . . . ICK!!!!!

They are supposed to be calling me about setting up the MRI and I hope they get that done soon, I'm really getting scared about this . . . and the more time that goes by, the closer we get to the holidays, and I can't be out during the holidays for surgery, and I can't feel like this during the holidays either . . . they have to hurry up and get something accomplished for me. If I haven't heard from them today I will call them and see what's up!!! they have to hurry hurry!!

So please think good thoughts for me . . . this hurts and now I'm really scared . . . I hate to be scared . . . It feels so out of control! and I hate to be out of control!!! UGH!

1 . . . almost . . . just a couple of days

On Sunday Kennedy will turn 1!!! I can't believe how fast this year has gone! And how much I love this little one!!! She has made my heart happy this year, when there were dark days and I didn't know how I would muddle through . . . her happy little face has brought me such joy!!!

This year has gone by so fast! I can't believe you are 1!!! Granny loves you baby!!!

Week 5~ Church

I sobbed all through church yesterday . . . not just cried . . .but totally sobbed, the kind where you want to get a grip . . . but you can't. But I guess I should tell you the beginning of the story before I start with the sobbing. I guess I tell you that I sobbed, because I want to prepare you for it . . . .

We went back to the church we went to in Week 4 . . . because we "thought" we had listened to a guest speaker, but it turns out that he was the regular guy. Silly us . . . but I really wanted to hear more about Esther any way, so I'm glad we went.

When we walked in there was a sign and a whole bunch of stacks of bread . . . it said "Free Bread" so we went to get one and the bread was all moldy . . . Why would they give away moldy bread??? We didn't take one. We can conduct our own science experiments with our own bread at home we don't need to have moldy bread from someone else. I still don't understand that.

5 weeks ago when we started going to church, I didn't know any of the songs, I didn't really sing along. . . I just read the words on the screens, but now, I sing . . . my love of choir and music is coming back to me, and my voice is loud and strong! It feels good to sing like that again, if this ends up being the church we stay with, eventually I hope to join the choir . . . but that is neither here nor there at the moment.

The place in the church where we seem to like to sit is on the left side of the sound booth, and from where we sit I can see who ever is controlling the controls for the band. The guy doing it yesterday was so . . . what's the word I'm looking for . . . Amazing . . . That word will work. He was so into the music, that he was bopping and dancing in the sound booth, and waving his arms. I just couldn't help but to smile at him enjoying the music! to me that was VERY inspirational . . . He apparently loved the music!

The lady who got up and gave a pray talked about how back in ancient Israel the high priest dudes didn't get to go in to the main part of the worship place (ok I have all the wrong words for these things but the meaning behind it is what I'm trying to get to . . . eventually) but once a year, and he would bring blood to sprinkle around and incense to burn . . . What struck me is that they used incense . . . about 15ish years ago I studied with an Apache Indian Shaman for about 2 years . . . I learned a lot. The Indians use "Smudge" and have wonderful stories about smoke, how smoke is the manifestation of "spirit" in the physical world . . . It cleanses and helps the body and mind to connect with what is going on. So in my Cheri world I'm thinking, that even though we call things differently . . . and have different names for things, maybe all these religions and nationalities are not as different as we think they are . . . there are common grounds between so many things that in my world I would like people to stop worrying about what makes their way right and this way wrong and just get along.

So Jason (The pastor) gets up to speak . . . he starts by reminding us where we left Esther last week . . . She was praying and hoping that she wouldn't be killed for going to the king with out permission.

When Esther gets to the "throne room" (My word, I don't know if that is actually what it was called) the king sees her and is happy that she is there. WOOO HOOO! She is NOT going to be killed for going to the king with out permission!!! (I didn't think she would, but then you never know what is going to happen in the olden bible day) The king tells her that he will grant what ever she asks up to half of his kingdom. She says she wants him (the king) and the bad Jew hater guy (Still cant remember his name) to come to a dinner. The king grants that, and at the dinner he asks her what she wants again, and she says come again tomorrow. So he grants that too . . . On the second night she tells the king that the "Bad Jew hater guy" has planned to kill all the Jews and asks that he not let this happen (That's the summary of that) so basically the Bad Jew hater guy is hung from the gallows that he had planned to hang Esther's adoptive father from (The guy that asked her to go to the king and help her people). Esther had worried that she would be killed, but then she thinks that God had a plan for her, that maybe that was why she was queen, so she could help her people. I like that . . . God had a plan for her, but she didn't know what it was till she was in the middle of it.

That's pretty much where we left the story . . . but what really got me, was how the pastor applied it to today. He talked of how this part of the Esther story ended wonderfully, but that there are a lot of stories in the bible that don't end so beautifully . . . but that does not mean that God did not call these people to do what they did . . . Humm . . . something to ponder . . . not every "Good" story has a happy ending. (The romance writer in me, doesn't really like that, because Romance novels ALWAYS have a happy ending)

He (The pastor) talked about how he and his wife had adopted two children from (I think it was) Haiti. He says it was horrible hard to do, and that it took so much work and so much more time than they had anticipated. Then one night they get a call from the adoption agency and that same mother has had another child, and they were asked if they would consider adopting this child too, to keep the siblings together. They showed a picture of this beautiful black baby sitting on the floor in a little white dress. I fell in love instantly with this beautiful little baby, but there there never had been a baby that I didn't love! At first he didn't want to adopt another child because it was such a struggle and so hard to do the last time, but then he said he listened to God and tried to figure out what his roll was in Gods story. (That was a big topic of the service, "What is your roll in Gods story for you? What does God call you to do??) They start the adoption. And he gets excited to know that God put this in place for him/them, that he feels like he was very much called to take these children, and to love them and give them a home and a better life than they could have had back in their home country. The pastor goes on to say, that they get another call about a month later, that this beautiful little baby girl got sick and they took her to the hospital and they gave her antibiotics to help her get better. Well, she had an allergic reaction the the antibiotic and she . . . Died.

I thought to myself I must have heard him wrong, this beautiful baby that he just showed me on the screen and I feel in love with couldn't be dead . . . Babies can't die . . . Why is he telling me this HORRIBLE story???? Maybe he's just kidding . . . Why the hell would he be kidding about something like that . . . oh my god . . . Why did he tell me this (Because at this point he is speaking ONLY to me, in my head and heart I am the only one in the entire building)

Oh my God! my heart is breaking! How could God have called this family to adopt this beautiful little girl and then when they fall in love with her, and they open their hearts to her . . . God takes her away???

Then my heart starts thinking of my Thomas. How I opened my heart to Thomas and loved him totally and unconditionally . . . how he was MY boy . . . Was that my roll in Gods story for me? To have Thomas? To have Thomas only for a little while? To be his rock when he didn't have anyone else to cling to, (He didn't even have God at that point, it wasn't until about a year before his death that he found God and a church family) What did God want me to learn from this? Is there a lesson? What is My part in Gods story for me???

As we left the church, I was still sobbing, Jessie is holding me and we are walking to the car, we always talk about the church service in the car on the way to where ever we are going after church . . . And I'm trying to drive, and sob and talk, and I can't form words . . . and Jessie comforts me with "it's ok to cry." She is so sweet . . . I tell her I'm so tired of being sad . . .

I realize that my whole life I have been taking people in to my life and heart and helping them. I guess when I moved to Aurora I started with Jaqui (We were 8), I took care of her, she didn't really need me to, but I did nonetheless, as we grew in to adults I have had to really rework my head so that I let her be her own adult rather than the person I have to care for (Sorry Jaqui for experimenting on you! Love you!) I moved on to the lost and struggling, the "Extras" as I so lovingly call them, and there have been MANY . . . MANY MANY MANY!

When Thomas Died, one of my first Extras Kendra came and drug me out of the house, She is in her 30's now. She took me to lunch and made me eat, she hugged me and held me, and let me play with her sweet baby (I love babies) . . . and as she was leaving me, she pulled me in to her arms and whispered in my ear, "I know how much you love Thomas, it's as much as you love me . . . and that's a lot." My legacy. To love. . . . That is MY part in Gods story for me. I know that. I'm called to take these "Extras" in . . . I don't have control over what happens in the long run, but I'm there when they need me . . . And I guess I didn't have control over the Thomas thing either. I didn't have control that his parents were horrible, I didn't have control that he got Leukemia . . . I didn't have control that he died. Don't get me wrong I'm still mad about that, but now I'm thinking maybe there is part of the "Story" that I don't know yet . . . Why did God bring Thomas in to my life, and then take him away? What am I supposed to learn or know from this???

So, I have been pondering and thinking, and crying . . . and crying, since yesterday . . . trying to figure out what my roll in God's story is . . . and you know what I figured out . . . NOTHING . . . I don't know . . . I don't know what my roll is . . . I don't know why I had to loose Thomas, I don't know why I've taken in all these kids . . . I don't know . . . WHY? and at this point in my life I don't know that I will figure it out . . . because I am not writing this story- God is.

Remember why . . .

Wednesday, Tim came in to the store . . . and said, "I was thinking about lunch , what time do you get off?"

I said probably about 1, "What do you have in mind?"

"Beau Jo's!!!" (I should stop the story right there and tell you about Beau Jo's . . . they started in this little mining town, actually the restaurant sits on top of the mine shaft . . (its haunted , but that's a different story) They make the most AMAZING pizzas, the crust on the edges is like two inches thick and you eat it with honey . . . and the pies are so yummy, you just drool thinking about them . . . they have all these different sauces and toppings . . . they are so good~ I just remembered I have one piece left in the fridge~ BREAKFAST!!!! (I usually get a garlic cream sauce, with Italian sausage, Canadian bacon, mushrooms and black and green olives! So yummy, I might have to stop writing and go get my pizza out of the fridge . . . ok I'm back and munching away! Don't mind the crumbs on my key board , I will lick those off later!)


"In Idaho Springs?"
(Idaho Springs is about an hour away, UP the moutain)

"Yeah, why not?"


I couldn't think of "Why not?" So when I got off work we took a "toodle" and went up the mountain.

There is NOTHING better than Colorado in the Fall!

So we toodled, and ate the most amazing yumminess, and then wandered through the little town, it is kind of touristy, but it's so small that I think most people miss the town if you really don't know it's there or have a reason to go to it. There are some wonderful little stores there, and I like to go in and see what they have.

After that we got in the car and I thought we were going to come home . . . but Tim drove us to the hot spring spa . . . I'm like "honey, what we doing here?" He said, "Well I thought we could get a private bath and sit in the water for a while." (We had to have a private bath because we didn't bring our suits .) So we rented a private bath and some towels, and went to our own little room . . . (sorry I can't tell you too much more about this . . . it's censored, and Tim doesn't like it when I tell our business to everyone, so I'm not going to tell you that we got naked and got jiggy . . . that just wouldn't be my style . . . I won't tell you that we both needed the opportunity to reconnect because my work, and his work, and the house, and the friends, and the kids, and the dogs and the robbery and . . . and . . . and . . . and .. . . have all made us a bit fragmented, so the reconnecting was WONDERFUL!! )

After our adventure at the hot spring, we went to Tommy knockers bar and had a beer , and laughed and talked (after glow) and then we decided to take the scenic route through the mountains to come home, it was dusk, and it had just started to rain lightly . . . and we were listening to Dean Martin . . . It was relaxing, it was wonderful . . . it made me happy.

So I guess what I'm getting at with this, is that Tim and I took the time to remember why we love each other and why we are together in the first place. Sometimes life can get in the way of that . . . and you have to pause, and take the time to focus on what the really important things are in life . . . each other!