Thursday, February 26, 2009

My heart is breaking

I just can't seem to get it together.

One of my extra boys~ Thomas was diagnosed with Leukemia about 6 years ago. I remember I was supposed to be going on to the Indian festival with Darryl and Thomas came over and told me. I smiled at him and told him everything would be ok, I just knew he would "kick it's ass". He left and went home feeling as though it would all be ok. As soon as I shut the door, I broke down crying. When Darryl got there I couldn't even form words to tell him why I was a hysterical mess. (See that's the thing about me, I can usually hold it together for a bit, get through the moment of building someone up and then I fall apart.)

Thomas' family "Sucks big purple donkey dicks" (Sorry, that may be too graphic, but . . . I'm leaving it, it is my blog . . . and here I can say what ever I want here) They really do suck . . . when Thomas started the Chemo and would end up in the hospital with infection after infection and surgery after surgery his mom and dad would bring him home and he wouldn't even go into his house, he would come here. He would lay on my sofa with food going into his feeding tube. He would cry and tell me he didn't want to do it any more. I tried to cure leukemia with Slurpees, Frozen Custard, and Rice-a-roni.

I would go to the hospital and visit him, and lay in the hospital bed with him and watch movies, just like I would do with my own kids. I may not have give birth to him but he is the child of my heart.

He has been here for Christmases . . . Dinners, yard work, first days of school, Movie days . . . and everything else. I have been mad at him, been annoyed by him but he never doubted my love for him. I walked in the "Light the Night" Leukemia walk with his picture pinned to my jacket

Friends and family of Leukemia sufferers had red balloons with lights in them and Leukemia patients and survivors had white balloons, and when they told us to turn on our lights, it was incredible, it was a sea of light that went for about a mile. Very inspiring. My friend Chris was going to walk it with me, and then at the last minute Thomas decided he wanted to come too. It was wonderful.

When he was able to go to school I was the one who the nurse would call to come pick him up if he got sick during the day . . . His mother couldn't be bothered.

He has gone on family day trips with me . . . and be a very big part of my life. He has fought with my boys like brothers . . . He is my family . . . my son.

His Leukemia went in to remission . . . and we thought all was good, he was in the clear.

Then last week he wasn't feeling well, he went to the hospital and the Leukemia is back. (Fucking Leukemia! I hate Leukemia!!!) He said that he wanted to call and tell me last week, but he couldn't form the words. (I know all about that, because for me sometimes words are too hard to utter.) I think he had a hard time telling me that he was sick again, because when he was sick last time I was such a daily part of his life . . . I helped him, I was his strength, I was his one person he could count on to get through it, be there day after day even when he didn't want to do it any more, I was there . . . I was always there.

So now he is living in Washington DC, and I'm not there. I can't be a daily part of his life, And that breaks my heart . . . Who will be there to support him? Who will buy him a slurpee? Who will be there when he breaks down and cries . . .

I know I'm only a phone call away, but I can't put my arms around him and hold him and tell him we will get through this together . . . that I'm with him every step of the way.

what will he do without the daily help, the daily support?

What will I do, knowing how sick he is and how far away he is and how I can't do those things for him?

I just ache . . .
What if he dies and I'm not there . . .
will he know how much I love him?

When he was talking to me on the phone last night, I could hear it in his voice . . . that he doesn't want to try . . . he said to me, "My body can take it, but I don't think mentally or emotionally I can." He said "It took me a few days to decide if I wanted to even go through the treatment, but I finally signed the papers to do it." He doesn't want to do it . . . It's so hard. He doesn't want to work so hard to live. I can hear it in his voice, he doesn't want to try.

He told me how much he loves me and how he couldn't have gotten though life without me . . . (It was almost like he was telling me good bye.) We cried on the phone together . . . He told me it was just so hard . . . I told him I will always be with him and always love him. He said "he knows".

So my heart is breaking . . . I don't know what to do . . . how to help . . . I know you are thinking just love him and be there for him when you can . . . but is that enough . . . is it enough to just be the voice on the other side of the phone .. .. when you know he hurts and aches and doesn't want to try . . . is it enough? but what more can I do? I just feel so helpless.

I do believe in the power of prayer, so please, please, please pray for Thomas . . . pray that he finds the strength to do what needs to be done.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

The "Broncos"

No I'm not a huge football fan!! The Broncos are my team but . . . I don't sit on pins and needles during football season because they are playing. So that's NOT what I'm talking about.

When Avery was a baby he had "Reactive Airway" I guess it's kind of like coup . . . And so every once in a while we would have to load up in the middle of the night and drive with the windows down to the hospital and they would give him medicine that would make him bounce off the walls.

As he got a little older when he would get a cough it was always deep and barky . . . and he would come to me and say "Mama, I have the Broncos" (His word for Bronchitis- in his little head he always had "Bronchitis" even if it was just a little cough)

So over the years now, when ever we have a bad cough we have the "Broncos"!

I went to the doctor yesterday and you guessed it . . . "I have the BRONCOS" (The real and true "Broncos" aka Bronchitis)

The doctor told me not to talk, (ME NOT TALK?!?!?!?!?! What is he thinking ) He says it strains my voice too much with it being so "gooped up" (My word not his, he used some doctor word, I could call Jenn and ask her but I know it translates out to "Gooped up") So I have not been talking much. I have answered the phone a couple of times but don't talk long because it's painful for me, and I'm sure it's painful for those who have to listen to me.

A friend of mine called yesterday, and I haven't talked to her in a week or so, so I answered and the first words out of her mouth were, "You sound horrible!" Yes . . . I know . . . We didn't talk long because it's just too hard to talk. Pretty much the consensus it "Everyone is glad I went to the doctor!"

I'm on heavy duty antibiotics, cough syrup (That makes me sleepy) and Inhalers (that make me twitchy and shaky) I am going to take my next antibiotic today and hopefully by tomorrow I will be feeling way better. I think I will probably miss work again, because I really can't talk, (Can you imagine me trying to take orders over the phone? "Thank you for Calling Artistic creations" People are going to think I'm like some weirdo answering the phone.) and I haven't been on the antibiotics for 24 hours yet. My employee Kathy's husband has a lung condition and I would hate to go in an her get what I have and then him catch it from her . . . that would be horrible. Or even for my mom or dad to get it . . . YIKES I would hate for my mom and dad to get this . . . so one more day . . . tons of meds and hopefully tomorrow I will be "Fit as a fiddle" (Ok I know I should have found someone playing the "Fiddle" but this little flasher guy was so much cuter!")

Saturday, February 21, 2009

A beautiful singing voice!

If you think that Cookie monster or a spoon in the garbage disposal s ound great, then you would think I have a beautiful singing voice. I will be going to pick up my Grammy soon! I sound like metal grating on gravel right now.

I have been sick . . . I think I got too wore down from Valentines day. And with my Graves Disease it seems I catch EVERYTHING that comes down the pike . . .

So mostly I have been laying on the sofa watching movies, or the movies are watching me sleep, and I have been crocheting when I'm awake . .. the sofa and I have become VERY good friends.

I have had a fever and so I go from sweating to having the chills. What a mess! I hadn't combed my hair or showered in 4 days . . . (At this moment I'm glad that Tim is in New Mexico, I wouldn't have wanted to scare him away!!!) (I did shower last night, so I don't smell sick any more.)

I'm ready to feel better! I'm ready to get out of the house some. I don't know if my voice is ready to speak yet . . . (For those couple people I have tried to speak with, I'm sure you know how beautiful I sound!) but I'm sure that my voice will come back in a day or two. (Its funny how every time I get sick it always ends up in my throat first.) (I once read a book about people who didn't speak their minds would end up with diseases like Graves. I was once one of those people who held my tongue (I know that is probably a shock to some of you) but in a life I had years ago, I was afraid to say all I wanted to say . . . . (That was when I ended up with the graves.) After I moved on from that part of my life, I have always spoken my mind, I try to do it gently but I don't let it set in me bottled up any more. But I think, if that book had any truth to it, that my throat remembers those days when I couldn't speak, and now it reminds me of how much I love to speak and how important it is to have words and to say what your heart longs to say.)

So I have quarantined myself for long enough, I'm ready to get back out into the world and see what I have been missing . . .


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Fathers . . .

I have been writing with my cousin Weslaw in Poland for about a year now. I didn't want to jump off and just start badgering him about sending me pictures and giving me all the family info, but I'm finally comfortable enough to get some of the info I want from him.
A little back story. My grandmother Anna, married a man name Zigmund. They had two daughters, Irene and Kashia. Then the war got bad and Anna decided to try to get to Germany. The Germans would only allow her to bring one child with her. So being a good mother, she decided to leave the stronger of her children there, giving it the best chance for survival and take the more sickly with her. (I know it was the hardest decision of her life, and she suffered for it for the rest of hers.)
Well . . . My mom was born in Germany. She is 6 years younger than Irene, and 5 years younger than Kashia, (Who she didn't know.) I asked Irene once if their father ever came to Germany, she said "no" then I asked her "So who is moms dad then?" She back peddled really fast. "Oh yeah he came!" so I asked, "If he came then why didn't he bring Kashia with him?" Aunty just got flustered and wouldn't talk to me any more.
So back to my story. So Pretty much we know that Anna And Zigmund had two daughters, Irene and Kashia. And Anna and some unknown mystery man had Pauline.
I asked my cousin Weslaw if he would scan some pictures of his Grandfather and send them to me, for a special gift for my mom since she never saw her father. (I didn't want to go into the story that Zigmund couldn't be my moms dad . . . we are just keeping it simple.) And he sent some pictures. YIPPEE!!! I love pictures!!!!!!!

This is a picture of my Baba (Ukrainian grandma) Anna. She embroidered that vest herself, with all kinds of pretty colors. She loved pretty colors! The brighter the better. I guess I get that from her!

Zigmunds family when he was little, I don't know who anyone really is. Or even which one he is in the picture, except he has to be one of the two little boys.

So here is another picture . . . this is the same woman from the previous photo, so that's his mom, and there is only one boy in the photo so that must be Zigmund . . . but how does that correspond to the previous photo, and what does the writing say??? Anyone read Polish and would like to translate???

here is Zigmund when he was a little older . . . playing the accordion . . .(Did I ever tell you when I was about 5 years old my mom made me take accordion lessons!?!?!?! I hated it! So I ran away from home, well just to the neighbors house, because I didn't want to play the accordion)

And here is Zigmund as a grown man . . . I haven't decided if I like this picture or not. there is something about his eyes that are very haunting to me . . . and I hate that no one is smiling . . .in any of the photos . . . ok I understand it was Poland and there were wars and it was cold and icky . . . but even in the worst of times, don't you have to dig yourself out of the hole you are in and find "Something, anything" to smile about?

I wonder what ran through his mind when my Baba left for Germany leaving Kashia in his care? I wonder why he didn't try to find a way to go after her? Or maybe he did? Maybe he did get to Germany and he is my moms dad too (I don't think so, but anything is possible.) And if he did go to Germany, why didn't he bring Kashia.

I was very excited about the pictures . . . It's very cool to put a face with the stories I have heard all my life. I'm going to see if I can find someone to translate the what is written on the pictures for me. So if you know anyone who speaks Polish who would be willing to translate for me, let me know.

On a quick note. My wonderful Tim came to spend Valentines with me, and I was a total dud! So tired and not the sharpest tool in the shed! but he was wonderful and helped in the store and here at home he was so good to me. I love him very much. We didn't take any picture this weekend, but we took some the last time he was here, so I think I will share those. Just because I'm so blessed to have him in my life!!!

We are so cute!!!

Not the greatest picture of us . . . but there we are . . . and we are together . . . and there is nothing better in Cheriland than being with Tim!!!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Employees who suck and the other dramas of the day

Yesterday my employee made a point to tell me that she was writing down her time as soon as she got there because she didn't want there to be any dispute about it at closing time. She got there at 10:10 . . . only an hour and 10 minutes late for work!!! for the most part through out the day she was ok.

Brooke had to work her other job yesterday at Dairy Queen, and so she wasn't in, but told the boys to come over there and she would give us all lunch. So the boys went and picked up all up chili cheese dogs and blizzards. (She bought the lunches for 5 people.) My employee didn't really want hot dogs for lunch, but that was what we were having, so she could eat what Brooke was giving us, or go and get something herself. The boys came back to the store with the food and my employee took one bite and threw it in the trash!!!! she said "I don't like it." With Teenage boys around she could have offered it to one of them or even Destiny. So I thought she was snarky and ungrateful.

Then Tony's recruiter popped in to the store with him. And I told him "I'm going to kick your a*s!" He laughed but he doesn't know how serious I was. I also had a knife in my hand that I thought about flinging, but Destiny took it away from me before I could. My mom just glared at this guy . . . her version of Redheadedness is way scarier than mine. I think Destiny took away her knife too. I also called him a "fucking fucker head" and told him I was going to take him "out back and beat the shit out of him." I'm a sweet sweet girl sometime.

Then around 430 with still about 14 orders to make up for today, my employee informs Destiny that this was her last order she was making, she was cleaning up and going home. Destiny (Who has worked for me since this past MONDAY) told the employee, "You will not leave until tomorrows orders are done. You just won't." So the employee helped to do them, and then at 5 she cleaned her station and left . . . knowing that we were still staying there and working more. Ok if you are the last one to work, how come you are the first one to leave??? I didn't say anything, because I'm at that point where I'm about to wring her neck.

Then some pervy man comes in to the store to buy flowers for his wife, tells me that he is going to spend a lot of money but he wants a hug and a beer too. So I hug him, Destiny gets him a beer, and he spends $65 dollars on his flowers, (I'm sorry, but in Cheriland, that is NOT a lot of money, when I got orders going out that are like over $200) Then he says "I always like to get a hug from a big breasted woman." Ok . . . then he said "I almost made you blush" "No, you didn't I don't blush." Wacko, and the thing is, I wasn't wearing anything provocative, I was wearing a jogging suit.

Then Brooke gets kicked out of her house by her parents . . . they are moving to Prague (I don't know how to spell it.) In another country, and leaving her here but while they are still here they want her to have a curfew of 10 pm. (She graduated early and has two jobs, she is a good girl, she makes me crazy sometimes but she is a good girl.~ Her job at Dairy Queen sometimes doesn't get over with till 1030 at night, so how can she have a 10 PM curfew . . . so now Brooke is living here with me.

But on a happy note . . . I came home from work with Destiny and the boys had made dinner, and they cleared the table in the formal dining room and we ate dinner in there. It was super nice and wonderful to sit there with my kids and extras! I love moments like that!

I'm tired, I know I'm tired, I have not been sleeping good, and I work so hard, and being this tired makes me emotional. After the recruiter coming in to the store, Tony joining the marines has been on my mind. Jason and Destiny are both in the service, so they are trying to help me through this . . . I was shutting down my computer last night and Tony came up and told me that he is REALLY going, that he will be away from all the fighting because of the job he is going to do. I tear up, and my sweet boy wipes my tears . . . I told him I'm really trying hard not to be crazy . . . But that its hard to think about him leaving, and how it is very scary to me, that I would lay down my life for him . . . So tears are rolling down my face and I'm a nut, and he is wiping my tears and telling me not to cry, I keep telling him I'm not crying. That I'm just being crazy . . .and I'm working really hard at getting it together. He told me he knew I was trying.

So I call my poor Tim, (cuz I do that every night before bed) and I'm still crazy, and I tell him everything I just told you . . . and I cry and cry and cry . . . (He will be here tonight, and I'm so happy!) I told him I was sorry I was crazy, he said I wasn't crazy, I just have had a long and bad week.

The creepy boob dude will be in the store today to pick up his flowers, but Alex will be there, so hopefully he won't say anything like that today, cuz Alex will step on him.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Have I ever mentioned I HATE valentines???

Every year as a florist, I dread Valentines, I spend from January 2 till the week of Valentines getting ready for that ONE DAY. It is the single biggest day of the year . . . and it SUCKS!

My store is small. I order over 2000 roses. (That's a lot of roses for a small store.) When we loaded the roses in the Yukon (I took all the seats out and there was just a flat space in the back) they went from the back of the front seat all the way to the hatch door, and from floor to ceiling! I should have taken a picture of that . . . but I forgot.
I spent a crazy amount of money on flowers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I left the store to go pick up the flowers I said, "There are three cases vases that need to be taped still (We tape a grid across the top to help hold the flowers in place) and all the buckets need to be filled with water so we can clean and put all the flowers away when I get back."
Every year at valentines we have to strip the thorns off and pluck the petals off and make them beautiful so that they are easy to grab and go . . . (On a normal day we don't always go to that kind of trouble, because we aren't in a rush.) So I assumed that they heard what I said.
That was my first mistake! (I should never assume anything.)
I was gone 2 hours!
I get back and NONE of the vases are taped . . . and most of the buckets are filled, but not all of them. (Ok so what did they do for the two hours I was gone?)
So I drop the flowers off at the store and they are hungry and I say I will go through a drive through, well my one employee doesn't want that, she wants me to got to "Which wich" and get sandwiches, which meant that I had to go in, stand in line, and wait till they made the sandwiches. Which took more time than I wanted to spend. But I did it.
By the time I got back mom and my employee are putting away the flowers but they are just cutting the ends and chunking them into the buckets! WHAT?!?!?! They "know" they need to clean the stems, don't they? didn't I tell them we were going to clean the flowers before I left??? Every year at valentines don't we "CLEAN" the stems and pluck the petals?
So I tell them to stop, that all the roses need to be cleaned . . . and my employee gives me flack. "We didn't do it that way last year!" she says.
"Yes we did, because it makes things go a lot faster when we are busy."
"No we didn't."
"Yes we did." At this point I decide, Why am I fighting with her? I'm the boss!!! So I say, "Fine don't do it then, I will do it my (@&^(& self because it needs to be done right and I will stay here all night if I have to do it and do it myself!!!" Conversation done!
Both she and my mom were shocked that I snapped. And I guess I hurt her feelings. I didn't mean to, but why is she fighting with me when I am paying her and I'm telling her how I want it done? I don't understand that.
Did I mention this holiday stresses me out?
For me I guess I know what I have to do for the holidays, I have it down. I have been doing it along time. And on a normal week I am very laid back, I let the girls do pretty much anything they want as long as the work gets done. But don't mess with me at Valentines!!! It's a bad plan for anyone.
So the two young girls that I have working for me, start cleaning the roses the "right way" The "Cheri way", and redoing what mom and my other employee had done. They are joking around and being silly, but we are getting the work done, it's going smoothly and I am getting less and less stressed because the roses are looking pretty and I know that I will just be able to grab and go. But, now my employee is mad, and since I'm the boss and she can't take it out on me, she starts being mean and snarky to the young girls (Who are actually doing what I told them to do!!!)
Eventually things got back on track . . . I think . .. I hope . . . I'm still upset that MY EMPLOYEE wanted to fight with me about what I needed to have done . . . She eventually said "Well I didn't remember we had done it that way last year." Ok but what does it matter that we didn't do it that way last year . . . this is how I want it done now. (But we did do it that way last year)" I run a small staff, and get a lot of flowers out, because of all the prep work I do to get ready for the holiday.

So with all of that said . . . here are some pictures of the "Joys of being a florist at Valentines day."

Here is just part of the trash on the floor . . . They had already swept more than half of it up by the time I remembered I wanted to take pictures.
I am sure the trash man loves me. Poor guy!

This is my dad dealing with SOME of the boxes the flowers came in. He had already taken one truck load to the dumpster.

Not all of the petals got plucked, but today Brooke will go in and do that, the important thing was to get the stems cleaned and put in water . . .

They look pretty good!

So if any of you are ordering flowers, please be kind to your florist, this is a hard week . . . We work so hard to bring beautiful things to a lot of people, but remember you may only have 1 valentine, but I have about 400 valentines . . . and everyone is special to me . . . so please be kind to your florist.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

More scrapbooking :)

I am so happy I have gotten so much scrapbooking done!!! It feels good to put a dent in to the Millions of photos I have!
I did about 27 layouts yesterday . . . here are a couple of cute ones.

Me and Jaqui again! We always had so much fun together. This was a trip to the golf course, we don't play so we just drove around in the golf cart and drank! Fun fun!

Avery and his best friend Johnny at the book festival, they were so little and cute!!!

I don't know what Grandpa and Tony were doing in the bathroom on the phone . . . but they were and someone was bright enough to take their photo! Fun fun!

I love love love this picture of Alex, he is so cute it in! I had this framed on my desk for years . . . just because I love the happy smile on his face.

And since I was already cutting circles and Tony was in the balls too, I figured I would do the same layout again . . . I like the bright colors and how fun they feel.

So those are the highlights of what I did yesterday . . .

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

My cupcake

Look at what I made today!!!

I saw it in a mag. and thought, "I can do it!" so I did! I think it turned out really cute!

More scrapbooking lay outs

I have been trying to get through some of the scrapbooking parts of my life that I would just rather have done with, so I can move on to the better parts of my life.

So here are a few of the neat ones I did yesterday, it's amazing how you can scrapbook 23 pages of a wedding, use 71 photos and only use 8 pictures of the groom! :) It's like I scrapbooked this event and it was ALL ABOUT ME! I love it when things are all about me! :)

Jaqui, Lorinda and Jenn Through me a bachlorett party . . . it was fun!

Johnny had a special dinner for me before the wedding! I love Johnny, she is so wonderful!

My boys at the wedding . . . I love the pictures of me hugging with Tony and Avery and me and Alex hugging.

One of my favorite parts of the wedding was that Alex walked me down the isle. And all the kids walked with their grand parents. . . . I love that right before Alex walked me down the isle, he said "I don't think I'm suppsed to be doing this, I think Grandpa is." He was nervous! I love that about him!

I think these pictures speak for themselves . . . Me with my boys. I never asked them to hold my dress (Or look under it- like Avery is doing) but they all looked at me like I was a princess . . . And I loved that they treated me like one. (Sometimes I think the pictures speak for themselves and don't need embellishment~ to me this lay out is perfect with just the photos.)

**** on a side note, this is the wedding dress I just gave away to one of Tony's friends girlfriends. They are getting married in August, and I just gave her the dress . . . It fit her perfect, and looks wonderful on her. She was so happy!


Yesterday I got an email from one the the ladies in a on line group I belong to . . . And It touched my heart . . . Here is part of the email.

"I had joined ***** (A group I belong to- but don't think it appropriate to post here) just about the time you met Tim and from what I gather you had gone through difficult relationships.

(That's an understatement!!!)

My friend has a good heart but she has attracted bad relationships and this last one sucked just about all of her self-esteem out of her. Any advice for me to help her besides reminding her over and over again that she did nothing wrong and that those guys were not good for her (which she knows on one level but I guess it's hard for her to really believe right now).

Your story is inspirational you sound very happy."

I am very happy!!! I love Tim with all my heart! He is the best man I know (outside of my Daddy!) Tim has a great heart and has brought so much joy and love to me. But I don't that my story is "inspirational". Although I'm flattered that someone thinks so . . . I struggled for a long time, a very, Very, VERY long time, to figure out what I needed and wanted and why I kept ending up with the bottom of the barrel rather that the cream of the crop!

I think we all need to take time after coming out of a bad relationship . . . and figure out what we "learned" from it. I know that even from the bad parts of life, if we learn something, then the "adventure" of living through those bad times are worth it. Look for the lesson.

When I left former hubby #2, I was devastated . . . and it took a really long time to move beyond that "Wanting to run him over with my car~ hurt him as badly as he hurt me" kind of thing, but I realized after taking the time (I was single for 6 years) that I did learn something from Former hubby #2, I learned how strong I was, how when I really truly believe something that I "Draw my line in the sand, and if someone crosses it that I make a move . . . I learned that I love deeply and truly, (And on the flip side of that, Some people don't love that deeply, it isn't wrong that they don't love like that, but it's as though they never truly give all of themselves over to the love~ which for me seems strange. In Cheriland, when you love someone, you give all that love over to them, let the love fill you up, it isn't as though you are empty when you give it away, you still have all of it within you . . . its just like the more love you have, and give, the more love you have to fill you! I love that about love!)

I guess I need to address here, that everyone moves at their own pace . . . and for me what took 6 years to move through might only take someone else 6 months. Everyone moves at their own pace, and the pains in our hearts heal at different rates. I know I had love and support as I moved though the pains . . . and I know that a lot of my friends wished that I would move through a little faster, but to truly heal takes time. And no one can do it on anyone Else's time frame.

I was at church once (I know that might shock some of you! But yes I was at church!!) and it was like the minister was speaking directly to me. Which again just proves to me, the right things come to you at the right time, if you leave it to a higher power. So here is what the minister said. Life is full of peaks and Valleys. When you are at the happy parts of your life, you are at the top of the peak. Life is good. But you can't always stay up there, there are valleys too, and as you move though life, you have to go through the valleys. But, it's your decision on how long you stay in the valley. You can move steadily through the valley, walking, putting one foot in front of the other in a steady way . . . or you can run though it. Or, (What I sometimes do) build a house in the valley, and set up housekeeping. How long do you want to stay in the low points of your life? Where is your house? Is it in the Valley? Or up on the peak?

I want my house up on the peak, and even when I was S-L-O-W-L-Y moving thought the valley, I always had my eyes on the peak. I knew what I wanted . . .

I believe in ~ True love, "Happily ever after" and Soul mates. And I know in my heart of hearts that my God provides for me all the things I want and need. But it's not always on my time frame. Sometimes you have to wait to have all your dreams come true. I believe God has a plan, and sometimes, we have to step back from our wants and desires, and let nature take its course.

I waited and waited . . . And now, Happily I have Tim, someone I can spend my life with . . . loving and knowing that he would never hurt me on purpose. (I would never hurt him on purpose either) It took time . . . time for me to heal from my past . . . time for me to realize that not every man I was going to allow into my life was going to hurt me, time to trust . . . time to believe. Time to grow, time to know.

So, if the story of my hurts and growth and love are inspirational, I don't know . . . but if it helps someone to grow and believe and love again, then I'm happy to share it!

Monday, February 2, 2009

Dragons . . . astronauts . . . and spacemen . . . and crazy women! oh my!

I know it's not Halloween, I'm not caught in a time warp! Although my friend Roger thinks I'm caught in the 80's in high school and all those great memories that go along with it.
I'm actually caught in the "before the black days, and before the bright days" (That means the Drew years, up to the NOW years with TIM! (Have I mentioned how great I think Tim is?) :)
So, what I'm doing is I have been scrapbooking A LOT, and I'm trying to get done with the "black days" Everything Drew, and Drew related. . .. then I don't have to deal with that point in my life any more, I am free to move on to other pictures and times, the young days of Cheri, the happy High school days with Jaqui and Roger, the not so fun days with Rafael~ but the fun days with all my little boys, and now the Wonderful times with Tim . . . I have been thinking a lot about how do you scrap book the days that aren't so great . . . or for that matter the days that you thought were great but in reality turned out to be a lie and a figment of your imagination? Pretty much I'm just chunking the pictures down on paper and writing a little about them. But then they are done. And I'm almost done!! I think I may have 15 more pages to do with the "Dark days" and then I'm BACK IN THE LIGHT!!!
But as I was going through the last of the pictures of the "dark days" I stumbled across these pictures. I knew Gennae would enjoy seeing them, so I thought I would post them. For me it's always amazing to see how quickly my boys grew up! And Even Bryan, is now 13 years old . . . where did the time go??A big dragon and a little dragon~ Alex and Bryan, all three of my boys wore that dragon costume . . . and then Gennae let Bryan wear it and we wall went trick or treating together.

So here we all are, except for Gennae, (Who wasn't dressed up) for our Halloween picture. Me~ a Halloween goof, Tony a space alien, Avery an astronaut, Alex and Bryan dragons. Aren't we cute???

Am I blue?

Am I blue?
Well, at the moment, no . . . but I'm sure later on today I will be.

Tim and I had a wonderful weekend!!!!
We didn't do anything really . . . just mostly stayed home and spent time together, watched movies, and just hung out. We did errands one day, and one day had breakfast with his oldest brother Donny, and one day had breakfast with his best friend James, he got a hair cut, and met with his tax guy.

We held hands, talked, made love, sat side by side, watched TV, went to the dog park . . . Just had a simple time . . . we always have a simple time together. But I'm a simple girl, so that suits me just fine!

Yesterday we went to Maggiano's for lunch, someone at Christmas gave us a gift card (Thank you, who ever you were) And we drank wine and ate, I think we were at lunch about an hour and a half, it was just so nice.

(He just came in and gave me a kiss~ how wonderful he is!!! He's supposed to be sleeping, but got out of bed and came into the office just to kiss me!!! I'm a lucky girl!)

It's amazing how wonderful the time with him is, how fast the time we spend together goes, and how slow the weeks in between are. So I guess when he leaves I just think of what we have, and what we are going to get to do, and have.

He will be back Valentines weekend, to help deliver at the store. I don't know how great of a weekend that will be, since I will be at work and tired. But at least I will be able to lay beside him in bed and hold him. (I miss holding him when he's gone) And then the next time we are going to see each other after valentines is the end of February, we are both flying up to Washington state, and driving the motor home back. (We named it "The Short Bus" Which to us is funny since it's 38 feet long!) I'm pretty excited about going on this trip, because we will break the "Short bus" in together, and the first trip it takes will be "OURS". So while he is living in it in New Mexico, he will have OUR energy in it . . . OUR memories of the first trip it too. I'm excited about that. (We are trying to decide on the route home, and hoping to stop and see James's sister and my wonderful "little sister" Rachel)

So, do you think, if I leave the computer now and sneak in to the bedroom with some rope, do I have enough "Boyscout" skills to tie him to the bed so he can't leave today?