Friday, April 30, 2010
I can cry.
I can yell.
I can hang up the phone.
I can ache.
But in the end, I have no control . . .
I can worry.
I can ponder.
I can hurt.
I can give it up to some one who can take it on . . . because I sure can't.
I feel like falling to my knees and crying, begging God to help, to fix it . . . but then the "logical" (Yes I said the L word . . .and applied it to myself.) side of myself says that God doesn't just fix things because he got a decree from Cheriland.
"Fix it God!"
I know it doesn't work that way . . . but it is worth a try.
I don't know if it is MY lesson that needs to be learned or other peoples. But apparently God has some sort of plan I am not aware of . . . I like it better when I'm "in the know" but I don't think God works like that . . . If I am going to try to tread this path, then I'm going to have to give up trying to KNOW and MAKE SENSE OF THINGS.
So, just so everyone knows, I give up . . . I'm giving all this to God to take care of . . . Its in His hands. (I did give the kids MY phone number, sometimes I think I'm a little quicker working than God, so the kids can give it to me, and then I can work my magic, and then I can give it to God and he can do what He has to do.)
Oh, and if God needs a day off, I am ready to take on a day so He can get a good tan . . . I have a few things I would like to fix.
But in this realization~I realize I have a calling.
I bet you are wondering what that calling is . . .
Well, you aren't the only one . . .
I am wondering too.
Its like I feel it deep inside of me . . . something pushing me, something pulling me, something that is in the back of my head at each and every step of the way . . . Cheri . . . Cheri . . . Cheri . . . Calling me.
I know those of you who know me have probably got your fingers on the phone to call the loony bin to come pick me up . . . (I know you just want to collect that $50 buck for turning in a crazy person ~ ) I'm not crazy . . . ok . . . that was a lie. I am crazy. You know it, I know it, there really is no hiding it. But that is part of my charm, part of what the draw of ME is . . . . You know you love a little Crazy in your life . . . why else would you be my friend, why else would you draw me in to your life? You like Crazy . . . you know it, it's time to just admit it.
My friend Mac always says to me ~ "Cheri you have a Great big Heart and an itty bitty brain" I don't take offense to this comment, because I know it's true. I know in that Great big heart of mine that its true.
My heart has known pain . . . because it is so big. I have brought people in to my heart who have lied to me, and hurt me. I have brought people in to my life who I thought would be here forever, and then they left me. I have brought people in to my life and hoped and prayed for their good, but in the end they have worked harder than my hopes and prayers to destroy themselves. I have LOVED . . . with every fiber of my being. And even through all the pain, I would not trade one moment of the pain of loss and hurt, for those special moments I have shared with the people I have brought in to my life.
I think that's the biggest thing I have learned lately~ That even though things didn't end the way you wanted them to, the journey, those special moments, the connections, the special gifts, the time . . . it was all so worth it.
My heart was touched . . .
my life will never be the same.
I am forever changed by the things that have happened in my life.
I am forever changed by the path I have walked.
Isn't that cool?
What if I had never left Drew? (I can hear the collective groan . . . Be nice!) part of me thought I would never recover from leaving him. That I would hurt and ache from that forever . . . but slowly my heart healed. I grew strong again. And the biggest blessing of all . . . I was given Tim . . . but would I have been ready for my love with Tim if I hadn't been "blessed with Drew" (Ok you can giggle at that) I learned so much . . . I grew through my pain, I learned how strong I was.
My Friend Johnny and I would walk and talk, and it seemed as though the conversation always came up "Do you get more than one great love in a life time?" I had my doubts. I thought I had already had it. I thought Drew was it. And through some horrible cosmic catastrophe I had let it slip through my fingers. But . . . then the blessings of a good man. . . of a different kind of love . . . came in to my life. And I had the sense to see it and appreciate it. But I don't think I would have, could have, if I hadn't been through the rain storm.
Its not "logical" to "think" with your heart, but I've never been accused of being logical, so that doesn't bother me. And if you are a fan of the TV show Bones, you will hear Brennan saying "It is impossible to think with your heart." But I do. I think with my heart, I feel with my heart, I love with my heart . . . everything I do is emotionally driven. It makes me a good artist, a good friend, a good lover, a good human . . .
I have struggled . . . I have been through a lot of things in my life . . . Things that have hurt me, taken me down to the bare bones, things that I would never wish on any one else. Things that have left me bleeding metaphorically. Things I NEVER thought I would recover from. But with all the struggles I have been through in my life, I think one of the hardest has been loosing Thomas. (I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry , I'm not going to cry . . . ok, I'm a little better now.)
Thomas, my angel , has taken me by the hand . . . and shown me the things I should be doing. (No, I haven't been visited by his ghost, although I would like that ~ I know you think I'm strange. No he has not literally taken me by the hand. (No you don't need to call the loony bin).
With his escape from this world, I have ached , hurt, cried , and been ANGRY I have been angry at everyone, from my friends, to Thomas' family, to the hospital, to Leukemia, to the fact that no one made Thomas Rice-a-roni, to the fact that Virginia is so far from Colorado, To God. I have been so angry at God for taking MY sweet Thomas from me that I am surprised God hasn't struck me down with a lightening bolt. But instead HE has just brought me rain . . . rain to hide my tears, rain to help cleanse my hurts. And then he brought me rainbows!
So I hear a calling . . . a calling to do more than I am doing now.
"Calling" . . . MY Calling. I don't know what it is . . . Do you? I feel my self on the first steps of the yellow brick road . . . and just like Dorothy I'm going to "follow the yellow brick road" I don't know what perils will befall me on this path, I don't know exactly where it's going to take me, I don't know who I will meet, but my ruby slippers on set on the beginning of the path and I'm going to take that first step.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
So the big black dogs name is Coal and he lives around the neighborhood. They were super happy to have Coal back.
What I realized is the same thing I realized when I was teaching. My own kids may be screwed up, but they are my screwed up kids. I am used to how they are. Other peoples kids are harder to deal with. The same thing applies to Dogs.
My dogs are good in our house, they know what they can and can't do! (Well . . . most of the time.)
So it was nice to have Coal here, he was a sweetie, but I'm equally happy to have him go back to his own home!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
The kind of ~ I can't hold my had up ~ sick.
It started on Saturday with a stiff neck and a head ache . . . by Sunday, head hurt so bad it made me throw up. (I have a little throwing up smilie face dude, but it would gross out my BFF Jaqui so I won't post it.)
So since Sunday I have been feeling less than perfect.
I talked to My BFF Jenn DO (Which is like an MD but they try to stay a little bit more natural than MD's do) And When I was telling her what was wrong with me, she was like "GO TO THE DOCTOR!!" But if you have a BFF who is a doc do you really think you should have to go see someone else. Oh I guess I should say Jenn lives in Texas and I live in Colorado. She said "Cheri, I can't treat you because I can't see you." So I offered to send her a picture of me! . . . I guess that wasn't good enough.
So yesterday I went to see my "in-town" doctor. I was so sick, Tim had to drive me, and I couldn't even hold my head up.
Leslie (my in town doctor- yes, I am on a first name basis with my doc, she has been my doc for over 20 years) Walked in a took one look at me and said, "ICK!" Yeah that's what I was thinking.
Her sweet nurse tried to do a strep culture on me, and I gagged and needed a bucket. Told her that my tummy was giving me issues. I warned her . . . even riding in the car was bad, and no one was trying to stick anything down my throat.
Leslie came in and looked in my ears, no issues, she looked up my nose, I told her there was nothing there. She looked in my mouth and nearly gagged herself. She said my mouth, tonsils, are huge and covered in pus. Ok . . .but my throat doesn't hurt.
So she listened to my chest, and my heart was running at over 100 beats a minute just sitting there. So she gave me some suppositories (and rubber gloves) and some antibiotics, told me to go get a limeaid slushy from sonic, and see if I could keep that down.
Not to tell you too much of my information, but if you have a bad tummy, and both end have had you running to the bathroom then trying to use a suppository to keep your tummy under control isn't probably going to work. That's your FYI of the day . . . I think its good info to have.
Oh I guess I should tell you what she said is wrong with me. She says I have a special kind of strep, that has it's own special toxin, and that toxin is spread through out my body, that's why my head hurts so bad, that why I can't lift my head. I don't know anyone who has ever had this kind of special strep . . . (Did I mention that my throat didn't even hurt?) It still doesn't. I mean, it does a little, but not like you think it would for someone whose tonsils poisoned them.
So I'm trying to keep food and liquids down, and I'm trying to take the meds she gave me, and I'm hoping that I can get better.
So that's the view from my sofa . . .
Oh and just so you know, when Tim was driving me home from the doc, we saw this big black dog running down the road. After Tim Dropped me off, he went and got the dog, because he didn't want anything to happen to him. So now we are hosting this lost big black Newfoundland/lab. He is huge! Probably weighs about 125 pounds, he's a good dog, for the most part, but he is missing his real home. He's trained. He sits, lays, stays, catches thing you throw at him, and shakes. So I know someone is missing him. Hopefully someone will call and claim him today. Tim put up signs all over the neighborhood, and called all the animal control places. So hopefully today something good will happen for this big black dog.
That's all that is going on here . . . nothing exciting.
Friday, April 23, 2010
But in this . . . I have learned that I have little to no control over almost anything!
So I need to let go . . . To save myself. I am letting go of all the pain, sorrows and worries (ok~ I might not be too successful, but I'm going to try!!) and let my higher power worry about it.
I have no control over the fact that God wanted Thomas, That Avery is going to be an asshole till he grows some sense, that Tony is too good looking for his own good and that things come too easy for him, that Tim will probably work in Iowa, that Alex has to do cop things, that my mom wants money, that Justin got broke in Afghanistan, that Roger wants to drink, That Hileigh seems to be leading my BFF down the bad path, that Jaqui needs work, that Lorinda needs money, That Gennae needs to come home (ok that ones on me, not necessarily on her), that Jessie needs to come home, that Destiny needs to divorce Jason . . . I have no control over any of that~ I'm sure there are a lot of other things too . . . but I don't want to bore you.
I am going to try and remember that God has a plan . . . and I don't know what the plan is . . . that I have just got to wait things out and see . . .
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your path straight.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you~ Declairs the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
I was dreaming~ And in my dream I was talking to Gennae. And for some reason her husband Gary got on the phone and was talking to me too. In my dream I thought he hung up . . . and I told her that I wished he would go away because he was annoying me. And he answered me. So I told him that the guy in line in front of me at Disney land was annoying me. Ok so just to clarify . . . I don't talk to Gennae's husband on the phone . . . and I don't think he is annoying . . . and I don't wish he would go away. Although I would like to go to Disney land.
Simple story~ When I was married to former hubby #1. My Friend Jennifer K came to Arizona where we were living. And for some reason some other friends wanted to go to southern California~ San Diego. So We jumped in our car and went too . . . Humm . . . 3 of us in the car to California . . . and all we did was look at the beach, go to the Zoo, stay in a hotel for a night, and go back home. I remember seeing the sand dunes . . . as we were driving by . . . Why didn't we stop? Why didn't we play on the sand dunes for a while? Why didn't we spend more time at the beach? I don't understand what we did and why. And I was a part of it. It seems to me now, that we forgot about the simple pleasures of life . . . and were so busy "doing" that we didn't think about the fun we could have just "Being".
Goal~ be completely in each moment. Don't get so caught up in doing that I forget to just enjoy and be.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Well maybe except to tell you that I'm constipated . . . and it makes my tummy hurt. But I'm not pouting about that . . . I will drink some juice and hopefully get back on track . . .
We cleaned and redid my office! I got a new desk (It was used from Tim's work) and I love it! I have spent so much time this weekend working in my office to get it all organized! It feels good!
Here are a couple pictures.
This is my shelf where I have the albums I have done, and some of my organized stuff . . . I love having all my supplies labeled! It helps me out so much. I can be a little scatterbrained and so it makes sense to me to have labels on everything.
Don't look in the hall . . . I made a mess out there!! But I wanted to show you this part of my desk . . . I'm going to use this part for bills and letters and that kind of Envelope stuff. I have a set of plastic drawers under the desk (in the picture), but stole them from my self to use to organize more of my colored supplies for scrapbooking. Note to self, get new drawers!I love my pink and red walls! They make me happy! And I love that I have all kinds of sentimental things . . . things that remind me of people I love!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
In today's feast . . . lets start with our appetizer.
The "child" has to be "wired" and go buy "Bad drugs" to catch the "Bad Drug Dealer". This appetizer leaves a very bad taste in my mouth. (I can't say any more about it~ I probably shouldn't have even said this much, but it's hard to know that this kind of thing is happening, and to know that one of mine is involved and that the potential of it going really bad is very great.)
Our ever amazing "Asshole" child is suspected of using Steroids . . . another yummy prospect. In the past 3 months he has just about doubled in size. He is aggressive and mean, still not speaking to me, thinks he is always right, and spend 4 hours a day working out. The "suspicious one" thinks "Asshole child" is using something called "D-bomb" (At least that is what I think it is) It's some kind of Russian steroid, that doesn't show up in drug tests . . . but still shrinks your nuts to the size of raisins . . . How wonderful . . . I'd like to introduce you to my son "Raisin nuts" he used to be called "Asshole" but we thought this name was more appropriate. Makes a mother so proud.
For our main course today
The biggest piece of crap you have ever seen. YUMM!
Tim got a job offer in Nebraska~ to work in Iowa. (I know that doesn't make sense, but in some twisted reality that I live in, I guess that's how it's supposed to work.)
And he wants to take it.
Despite me saying "NO NO NO!!!" And "NO NO HELL NO!!" And "NO FUCKING WAY!"
ok . . .
Big sigh . . .
we have lived apart before . . .
But with everything going on in my world currently . . .
I DON'T WANT HIM TO TAKE IT!
I don't think I can be any clearer.
I have said these words to him. "I do NOT want you to take this job."
I have tried to be strong.
I didn't want to cry.
But then he comes at it from a different direction. "If I take this job will you still want to marry me?"
Why would he even ask that?
I don't understand . . .
Does that mean that if he stays here he doesn't want to marry me or that he does want to marry me but doesn't know if I want to marry him.
My BFF Lorinda said "If there are jobs in Iowa, there are jobs in Colorado." Makes sense to me.
Tim wants my support . . . to leave me . . . and go work in Iowa.
How to I support something I think if totally CRAPTACULAR!??!?!?!?
I don't want him to go. I don't want to be supportive. I don't want to say its ok, it's not. I don't want to have to go through all the crap on my own. I know my BFF Jaqui will be here for me in a moments notice, but She has already had to see me crazy one time. I don't really want her to have to go through "Crazy Cheri" again. How much Crazy Cheri can one girl take? And I'm running out of dishes, I don't have any more I can afford to break. And I'm trying to contain the Crazy Cheri . . . no one should have to deal with her more than once.
I'm tired. I wake up tired. I go to bed tired. I'm tired. Just sooooo tired. I don't want to deal with this any more. Do I ever get a break?
When do I get to have the things I want?
I want to have my kids be happy and not in trouble. I want to have my man here with me. I want to have my business going well. I want to have all my friends happy with jobs. Is that too much to ask?
I just want to be happy.
So the rest of today's feast has been cancelled, no dessert for you . . . on account that I'm too depressed to continue typing.