I will talk about the recent time last . . . As it is still fresh and in my new found "calmness" I'm trying not to let it turn me in to something scary.
Do you remember Deb? A "wonderful" friend of mine.
We stopped being friends back in the early 90's. It was my 25th birthday and she and former hubby #1 planned a birthday party, and then (I guess as my present) slept together in my bed while the party was happening. Isn't that special? Don't you wish you could have birthdays just like me?? UGH!
I'm a forgiving kind of gal and Let her come back into my life again years later, and then I booted her out again because her husband wanted to sleep with another of my friends, and he was creating issues for her. And since I was on the side of the other friend, trying to help her hold her life together, Deb screamed and yelled at me that I was keeping her hubby from having his happiness. (His happiness at the jeopardy of others- I's not supposed to be that way, you are supposed to hope for everyones greater good, not try to bring them down.) I didn't get it then and I don't get it now.
Silly me . . . I let her come back years later again, and she ended up doing drugs with one of my sons . . . Humm . . . I guess what I realized is that I can deal with a lot, but don't mess with my kids. She is out, and I won't be letting her come back again. I think I'm a little hard headed, and it takes a bulldozer to actually make me see what the reality of something is. And what is funny is for years the "true" friends, had been telling me that she was not a good friend . . . I guess I'm just hard headed.
When Thomas died . . . I realized I has a lot of "friends" who were just friends when they needed something or wanted to know what was going on in my life. (Don't you know, my life is very exciting and everyone seems to want to know what is going on in it.) So there were several people I got rid of. People who knew Thomas, who should have been at his memorial service but couldn't be bothered to be here . . . (you don't go to a funeral for the person who has died, you go for the people who are left and grieving~) My "Friends" should have been here to support me, and help me through . . . but they turned it into something about them . . . People who just create more drama in my life than they do good. People who want to take the little things they know about me, and twist and turn them to create their own reality and apparently try to feel better about themselves by dragging someone else down. People who can't be bothered to be a real friend and be there for someone they "Say" they care about . . .
I don't like those kinds of people. I don't have any use for them. And it has taken me 43 years to figure out, that those are not really "Friends" they are just people passing through, what's a betrayal or two between "Friends"? This stops now. I'm tired.
I have always been one of those people who will do everything I can to help someone. When I'm your friend, you can count on me . . . for what ever you need. I will drop everything I'm doing and take care of what you need me to do. I will help you even when I'm too tired to raise my head or I have other things going on.
But . . . when I need someone . . . I can count on one hand the people I could call that would be there for me. Humm . . . it's funny how that works out. So where are all the people I have been there for, who should treasure me as much as I treasure them. Humm. . . . . I guess they are on vacation or something.
I guess what hurts the most is when you open your heart and your home and your life to someone and they take advantage.
I love Destiny . . . and totally adore Kennedy! But I'm tired.
We found out yesterday that Tim's GPS and Ipod that were stolen about a month ago, are in Jason and Destiny's cars. Humm . . . When Tim questioned her about it when she was sitting in my living room after I had watched her baby . . . she denied knowing anything about it. Humm . . . so why is Tim's GPS in Destiny's car? Why is Jason listening to Tim's Ipod?
What I don't understand is how can she know that she has Tim's GPS and think this is ok? Think that her husband can steal from us, and that we are going to all be ok. How sad? And what bugs me is that I have given her so much . . . how can she betray me by doing something wrong?
I don't understand . . .
They have ruined the trust. The friendship. And taken away the one thing that makes me really happy . . . My Kennedy. How can I have Kennedy in my life when I can't trust the mom or dad? I can't . . . and that is horrible. So my heart hurts, because I will have to give up my Kennedy . . .
I am betrayed. Once again . . . for the goodness of my own heart . . . and the love I show and give so easily . . . Betrayed.
I'm upset, but not as upset as you would think I would be. I guess I knew it was coming. I am not going to put a lot of energy in to this, I have bigger things to do today than worry for people who are hurtful and selfish. And since I am off all happy pills (antidepressants) and am working on finding my greater good, I can focus on the negative.
Today I'm going to go to the funeral of the boy who was killed in the drive by shooting. I'm not going because I "knew" him, I'm going because my "extras" have asked me to be there. This is the first sad thing I've gone to since Thomas died. I don't know how I will get through this. I cry for Thomas all the time still. So going to another funeral is probably going to be really hard.
"Jiminy Cricket" aka Gennae doesn't want me to go . . . I think she thinks I'm too fragile and it's too soon. But I have to go for my "extras", because that's the way I am . . .
So I'm going to take deep breaths and slowly put one foot in front of the other, and make it through this day . . . ok, and I'm going to wear waterproof mascara . . . because I see this as a crying opportunity.
They are planning a balloon release like we did for Thomas . . . and I figured I will write on my balloon that Michael should find Thomas in heaven . . . that Thomas will "show him the ropes" . . .
All right, enough ramblings from me today . . . I have to get my "STRONG" going . . . Think good thoughts for me today.
Life goes on, life goes on, life goes on...
You sucked me in and played my mind
Just like a toy you would crank and wind
Baby, I would give til you wore it out
You left me lying in a pool of doubt
If you're still thinkin youre the daddy mac
You shouldve known better but you didnt and I cant go back
Oooh, life goes on, and its only gonna make me strong
Its a fact, once you get on board say goodbye cuz you cant go back
Oooh, its a fight, and I really wanna get it right
Where Im at, is my life before me, got this feeling that I cant go back
Life goes on, life goes on, life goes on...Wish I knew then what I know now
You held all the cards and sold me out
Baby, shame on you if you fooled me once,
Shame on me if you fooled me twice
Youve been a pretty hard case to crack
I shouldve known better but I didnt and I cant go back
Oooh, life goes on, and its only gonna make me strong
Its a fact, once you get on board say goodbye cuz you cant go back
Oooh, its a fight, and I really wanna get it right
Where Im at, is my life before me, got this feeling that I cant go back
Na na na na na life goes on, na na na na na made me strong
Got a feeling and I cant go back
Life goes on (and its only gonna make me strong)
Life goes on and on and on
Shame on you if you fooled me once,
Shame on me if you fooled me twice
Youve been a pretty hard case to crack
I shouldve known better but I didnt and I cant go back
Oooh, life goes on, and its only gonna make me strong
Its a fact, once you get on board say goodbye cuz you cant go back
Oooh, its a fight, and I really wanna get it right
Where Im at, is my life before me, got this feeling that I cant go back
Na na na na na life goes on, na na na na na made me strong
Whoa, yeah
Got a feeling and I cant go back...
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