My heart is breaking

I just can't seem to get it together.

One of my extra boys~ Thomas was diagnosed with Leukemia about 6 years ago. I remember I was supposed to be going on to the Indian festival with Darryl and Thomas came over and told me. I smiled at him and told him everything would be ok, I just knew he would "kick it's ass". He left and went home feeling as though it would all be ok. As soon as I shut the door, I broke down crying. When Darryl got there I couldn't even form words to tell him why I was a hysterical mess. (See that's the thing about me, I can usually hold it together for a bit, get through the moment of building someone up and then I fall apart.)

Thomas' family "Sucks big purple donkey dicks" (Sorry, that may be too graphic, but . . . I'm leaving it, it is my blog . . . and here I can say what ever I want here) They really do suck . . . when Thomas started the Chemo and would end up in the hospital with infection after infection and surgery after surgery his mom and dad would bring him home and he wouldn't even go into his house, he would come here. He would lay on my sofa with food going into his feeding tube. He would cry and tell me he didn't want to do it any more. I tried to cure leukemia with Slurpees, Frozen Custard, and Rice-a-roni.

I would go to the hospital and visit him, and lay in the hospital bed with him and watch movies, just like I would do with my own kids. I may not have give birth to him but he is the child of my heart.

He has been here for Christmases . . . Dinners, yard work, first days of school, Movie days . . . and everything else. I have been mad at him, been annoyed by him but he never doubted my love for him. I walked in the "Light the Night" Leukemia walk with his picture pinned to my jacket


Friends and family of Leukemia sufferers had red balloons with lights in them and Leukemia patients and survivors had white balloons, and when they told us to turn on our lights, it was incredible, it was a sea of light that went for about a mile. Very inspiring. My friend Chris was going to walk it with me, and then at the last minute Thomas decided he wanted to come too. It was wonderful.

When he was able to go to school I was the one who the nurse would call to come pick him up if he got sick during the day . . . His mother couldn't be bothered.

He has gone on family day trips with me . . . and be a very big part of my life. He has fought with my boys like brothers . . . He is my family . . . my son.

His Leukemia went in to remission . . . and we thought all was good, he was in the clear.

Then last week he wasn't feeling well, he went to the hospital and the Leukemia is back. (Fucking Leukemia! I hate Leukemia!!!) He said that he wanted to call and tell me last week, but he couldn't form the words. (I know all about that, because for me sometimes words are too hard to utter.) I think he had a hard time telling me that he was sick again, because when he was sick last time I was such a daily part of his life . . . I helped him, I was his strength, I was his one person he could count on to get through it, be there day after day even when he didn't want to do it any more, I was there . . . I was always there.

So now he is living in Washington DC, and I'm not there. I can't be a daily part of his life, And that breaks my heart . . . Who will be there to support him? Who will buy him a slurpee? Who will be there when he breaks down and cries . . .

I know I'm only a phone call away, but I can't put my arms around him and hold him and tell him we will get through this together . . . that I'm with him every step of the way.

what will he do without the daily help, the daily support?

What will I do, knowing how sick he is and how far away he is and how I can't do those things for him?

I just ache . . .
What if he dies and I'm not there . . .
will he know how much I love him?

When he was talking to me on the phone last night, I could hear it in his voice . . . that he doesn't want to try . . . he said to me, "My body can take it, but I don't think mentally or emotionally I can." He said "It took me a few days to decide if I wanted to even go through the treatment, but I finally signed the papers to do it." He doesn't want to do it . . . It's so hard. He doesn't want to work so hard to live. I can hear it in his voice, he doesn't want to try.

He told me how much he loves me and how he couldn't have gotten though life without me . . . (It was almost like he was telling me good bye.) We cried on the phone together . . . He told me it was just so hard . . . I told him I will always be with him and always love him. He said "he knows".

So my heart is breaking . . . I don't know what to do . . . how to help . . . I know you are thinking just love him and be there for him when you can . . . but is that enough . . . is it enough to just be the voice on the other side of the phone .. .. when you know he hurts and aches and doesn't want to try . . . is it enough? but what more can I do? I just feel so helpless.

I do believe in the power of prayer, so please, please, please pray for Thomas . . . pray that he finds the strength to do what needs to be done.