Week 5~ Church

I sobbed all through church yesterday . . . not just cried . . .but totally sobbed, the kind where you want to get a grip . . . but you can't. But I guess I should tell you the beginning of the story before I start with the sobbing. I guess I tell you that I sobbed, because I want to prepare you for it . . . .

We went back to the church we went to in Week 4 . . . because we "thought" we had listened to a guest speaker, but it turns out that he was the regular guy. Silly us . . . but I really wanted to hear more about Esther any way, so I'm glad we went.

When we walked in there was a sign and a whole bunch of stacks of bread . . . it said "Free Bread" so we went to get one and the bread was all moldy . . . Why would they give away moldy bread??? We didn't take one. We can conduct our own science experiments with our own bread at home we don't need to have moldy bread from someone else. I still don't understand that.

5 weeks ago when we started going to church, I didn't know any of the songs, I didn't really sing along. . . I just read the words on the screens, but now, I sing . . . my love of choir and music is coming back to me, and my voice is loud and strong! It feels good to sing like that again, if this ends up being the church we stay with, eventually I hope to join the choir . . . but that is neither here nor there at the moment.

The place in the church where we seem to like to sit is on the left side of the sound booth, and from where we sit I can see who ever is controlling the controls for the band. The guy doing it yesterday was so . . . what's the word I'm looking for . . . Amazing . . . That word will work. He was so into the music, that he was bopping and dancing in the sound booth, and waving his arms. I just couldn't help but to smile at him enjoying the music! to me that was VERY inspirational . . . He apparently loved the music!

The lady who got up and gave a pray talked about how back in ancient Israel the high priest dudes didn't get to go in to the main part of the worship place (ok I have all the wrong words for these things but the meaning behind it is what I'm trying to get to . . . eventually) but once a year, and he would bring blood to sprinkle around and incense to burn . . . What struck me is that they used incense . . . about 15ish years ago I studied with an Apache Indian Shaman for about 2 years . . . I learned a lot. The Indians use "Smudge" and have wonderful stories about smoke, how smoke is the manifestation of "spirit" in the physical world . . . It cleanses and helps the body and mind to connect with what is going on. So in my Cheri world I'm thinking, that even though we call things differently . . . and have different names for things, maybe all these religions and nationalities are not as different as we think they are . . . there are common grounds between so many things that in my world I would like people to stop worrying about what makes their way right and this way wrong and just get along.

So Jason (The pastor) gets up to speak . . . he starts by reminding us where we left Esther last week . . . She was praying and hoping that she wouldn't be killed for going to the king with out permission.

When Esther gets to the "throne room" (My word, I don't know if that is actually what it was called) the king sees her and is happy that she is there. WOOO HOOO! She is NOT going to be killed for going to the king with out permission!!! (I didn't think she would, but then you never know what is going to happen in the olden bible day) The king tells her that he will grant what ever she asks up to half of his kingdom. She says she wants him (the king) and the bad Jew hater guy (Still cant remember his name) to come to a dinner. The king grants that, and at the dinner he asks her what she wants again, and she says come again tomorrow. So he grants that too . . . On the second night she tells the king that the "Bad Jew hater guy" has planned to kill all the Jews and asks that he not let this happen (That's the summary of that) so basically the Bad Jew hater guy is hung from the gallows that he had planned to hang Esther's adoptive father from (The guy that asked her to go to the king and help her people). Esther had worried that she would be killed, but then she thinks that God had a plan for her, that maybe that was why she was queen, so she could help her people. I like that . . . God had a plan for her, but she didn't know what it was till she was in the middle of it.

That's pretty much where we left the story . . . but what really got me, was how the pastor applied it to today. He talked of how this part of the Esther story ended wonderfully, but that there are a lot of stories in the bible that don't end so beautifully . . . but that does not mean that God did not call these people to do what they did . . . Humm . . . something to ponder . . . not every "Good" story has a happy ending. (The romance writer in me, doesn't really like that, because Romance novels ALWAYS have a happy ending)

He (The pastor) talked about how he and his wife had adopted two children from (I think it was) Haiti. He says it was horrible hard to do, and that it took so much work and so much more time than they had anticipated. Then one night they get a call from the adoption agency and that same mother has had another child, and they were asked if they would consider adopting this child too, to keep the siblings together. They showed a picture of this beautiful black baby sitting on the floor in a little white dress. I fell in love instantly with this beautiful little baby, but there there never had been a baby that I didn't love! At first he didn't want to adopt another child because it was such a struggle and so hard to do the last time, but then he said he listened to God and tried to figure out what his roll was in Gods story. (That was a big topic of the service, "What is your roll in Gods story for you? What does God call you to do??) They start the adoption. And he gets excited to know that God put this in place for him/them, that he feels like he was very much called to take these children, and to love them and give them a home and a better life than they could have had back in their home country. The pastor goes on to say, that they get another call about a month later, that this beautiful little baby girl got sick and they took her to the hospital and they gave her antibiotics to help her get better. Well, she had an allergic reaction the the antibiotic and she . . . Died.

I thought to myself I must have heard him wrong, this beautiful baby that he just showed me on the screen and I feel in love with couldn't be dead . . . Babies can't die . . . Why is he telling me this HORRIBLE story???? Maybe he's just kidding . . . Why the hell would he be kidding about something like that . . . oh my god . . . Why did he tell me this (Because at this point he is speaking ONLY to me, in my head and heart I am the only one in the entire building)

Oh my God! my heart is breaking! How could God have called this family to adopt this beautiful little girl and then when they fall in love with her, and they open their hearts to her . . . God takes her away???

Then my heart starts thinking of my Thomas. How I opened my heart to Thomas and loved him totally and unconditionally . . . how he was MY boy . . . Was that my roll in Gods story for me? To have Thomas? To have Thomas only for a little while? To be his rock when he didn't have anyone else to cling to, (He didn't even have God at that point, it wasn't until about a year before his death that he found God and a church family) What did God want me to learn from this? Is there a lesson? What is My part in Gods story for me???

As we left the church, I was still sobbing, Jessie is holding me and we are walking to the car, we always talk about the church service in the car on the way to where ever we are going after church . . . And I'm trying to drive, and sob and talk, and I can't form words . . . and Jessie comforts me with "it's ok to cry." She is so sweet . . . I tell her I'm so tired of being sad . . .

I realize that my whole life I have been taking people in to my life and heart and helping them. I guess when I moved to Aurora I started with Jaqui (We were 8), I took care of her, she didn't really need me to, but I did nonetheless, as we grew in to adults I have had to really rework my head so that I let her be her own adult rather than the person I have to care for (Sorry Jaqui for experimenting on you! Love you!) I moved on to the lost and struggling, the "Extras" as I so lovingly call them, and there have been MANY . . . MANY MANY MANY!

When Thomas Died, one of my first Extras Kendra came and drug me out of the house, She is in her 30's now. She took me to lunch and made me eat, she hugged me and held me, and let me play with her sweet baby (I love babies) . . . and as she was leaving me, she pulled me in to her arms and whispered in my ear, "I know how much you love Thomas, it's as much as you love me . . . and that's a lot." My legacy. To love. . . . That is MY part in Gods story for me. I know that. I'm called to take these "Extras" in . . . I don't have control over what happens in the long run, but I'm there when they need me . . . And I guess I didn't have control over the Thomas thing either. I didn't have control that his parents were horrible, I didn't have control that he got Leukemia . . . I didn't have control that he died. Don't get me wrong I'm still mad about that, but now I'm thinking maybe there is part of the "Story" that I don't know yet . . . Why did God bring Thomas in to my life, and then take him away? What am I supposed to learn or know from this???

So, I have been pondering and thinking, and crying . . . and crying, since yesterday . . . trying to figure out what my roll in God's story is . . . and you know what I figured out . . . NOTHING . . . I don't know . . . I don't know what my roll is . . . I don't know why I had to loose Thomas, I don't know why I've taken in all these kids . . . I don't know . . . WHY? and at this point in my life I don't know that I will figure it out . . . because I am not writing this story- God is.