Sunday, June 28, 2009

Could have, should have and would have . . .

Well . . . I'm having issues . . .

My younger sister Tiffini called me last week and told me that our Aunt Mimi called her and said that Grandma wasn't doing well. That the priest had been called and "last rights" had been given to her.

WHAT?!?!?!?

I was shocked.

I knew that she had had a stroke or something like that last year, Although no one called to tell me when that happened. I found out later on, again from Tiffini, no one seems to like to tell me anything (That is part of my issue) Well she got out of the Rehab place back in late February this year, and she thought she would get to drive again and keep her Independence. But the family/and doctors told her no more driving. (At least this is the story I got) and after they told her that, she decided she didn't want to live any more. So she has been giving away her things and won't get out of bed, and is having troubles breathing . . . and with the priest being called to her for Last rights . . . I guess it's just a matter of time before she passes.

(Big sigh)

I wish that I had better thoughts and memories of her . . . of the family. I'm kind of "odd man out" as far as this side of my family goes. I have always wondered why my Adamson side of the family didn't care about me. Didn't want to know me. . . didn't care that I have tried to be a part of them . . .

I met my biological father 4 times.
~ once when former hubby #1 and the boys and I were traveling back from seeing his family in New Orleans, and we stopped and Met Joe and Grandma Adamson in Houston.
~ Former hubby #1 and the boys and I went to Disney world with Joe
~ Former hubby #2 and I were in San Antonio and he came and had lunch with me at the hotel.
~ and at my younger sisters graduation

I met my grandmother in Houston, and at my younger sisters graduation and at the funeral of Joe. 3 times.

The rest of the family I don't really know either.

And as with Joe, I have the same feelings toward my grandmother, I want to know her, I want to like her . . . But time has run out on both . . . I'll never get the chance to get to know her. I'll never get the chance to find those things about her that others in my family love. And that leaves me feeling hurt and bad.

It's hard to "Be related" to people, who you don't know, and the little bits you do know about them you find them irritating and not people you would really want to have in your life. Now, the optimist I am, I know in my heart of hearts that EVERYONE has something redeeming about them . . . I've just not found what it is about most of my Adamson family.

So I'm battling myself. Wanting to know this side of my family but having been burned when Joe passed away. When Joe Died I went down to Texas to fulfill the promise I made to him 10 years before that. That should he die, that I would go to his funeral. And so, true to my word, I went. Tiffini and I planned the funeral together. I did all the flowers for the funeral (Standing in my Uncle Craig's kitchen alone with my pain- no one was there when I did it, I was alone in this strangers house making flowers for My Biological father who I bairly knew and didn't really like). I did everything I thought I needed to, for not only the family, Joe, and myself, so I wouldn't have any regrets. And people were mean to me.

I won't get in to the depth of the "meanness" and the pain I suffered because of it . . . because it just upsets me even more. And I don't really want to be upset, I just need to get this all off my chest. I did what I promised to do . . . and more. I didn't go there to collect some massive inheritance, I just went there to fulfill my promise to Joe, (Although, he never followed through with any of the promises he made to me~ but that is another thing I'm upset over and dealing with~ potentially more on that later.)

And now with the potential of my Grandmother passing away, I find myself feeling the same things I felt when Joe passed. I am hurt because I will never get the opportunity to really get to know my grandmother, and find things I like about her. I'm never going to hear all the stories of her life . . . (And no one seems to want to tell me the stories~ Tiffini tells me what she knows,) but I want more. I'm the keeper of stories, the keeper of family history, the keeper of the lives that have passed before me, and yet . . . I know no stories of my Adamson family. I have no pictures, except for a couple. I know no family history . . . And I ache for all these things.

So do I put myself through the potential of the family being mean to me again, like they were when Joe passed away, to go and honor a woman who never had time for me. To go and maybe gather some stories and some pictures for a life I have never know, with people I have never known?

My friend Jessica said to me yesterday when we were talking about it. "If you don't go to the funeral, will in 10 years time, you regret not going? If there is any potential of you regretting you didn't go, you have to go, because there is no way to go back later on." Truer words couldn't be said.

So, after much heart ache and pain, and tons of tears (Sorry Tim~ this gem of a man has had to deal with me and my emotions. I'm so blessed to have him!! I love you Tim! you are the best!!!) I have decided to go to my grandmothers funeral when she passes (that is if my family calls me to let me know she has passed.) Because I never want to have regrets. I never want to think to myself that "I could have . . . should have . . . or would have . . . and didn't." That's the selfish part of me. "I" don't want to live that way . . . thinking of all the things that "I" could have, should have, or would have done and didn't. When I, someday leave this life, I want there to be no regrets . . . No thoughts of all the things that might have been, all the potential to build bridges and lives that could have been touched . . . I will have no regrets as far as my Adamson family goes, because "I" will have done everything I could have to build those bridges and touch those lives, whether the family was, or will be receptive to me . . . that is on them. I will have done all I could have.

I know that with Tim by my side I will be able to be strong, and deal with the "Family". I know that if anyone is Mean to me like they were when Joe passed away, Tim will be there to pick up my pieces and to probably knock their heads off.

I can do this! I am stronger than I sometimes think I am . . . and I will have no regrets as far as this family is concerned . . . if there are any regrets to be had, they will be on their part . . . not mine. I will have done everything I needed to.

1 comment:

  1. Oh sweetie............I'm sure not one who could ever explain how family related by blood could ever be. I'm so glad you have Tim by your side!!! And you have friends that truly understand the hurt and pain of rejection and no love on the part of "family"..........big HUGS to you my friend!!!! I love ya!!

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