Tomorrow is the anniversary of Thomas' death. . . . And I am struggling.
I'm trying so hard to be strong, so hard to "keep it together", when in all actuality I want to sit in the corner and curl up on my self and cry . . . But the people I live with don't like it when I do that. So I try not to give in to it . . . because sometime when you start crying with sadness, its hard to stop. Right now, it's hard to stop.
Sunday morning, Alex's friend John (Another of my extras) spent the night (he's here a lot, just like so many others are.), so he and I were sitting in the family room talking, he said to me, "You seem kind of blue?" (This coming from a street kid, who has been in and out of Jail . . .) "This is the anniversary week of Thomas' death." (All my extras know/knew each other. They were family . . . Born of my heart, not of my body, brothers of the craziest most dysfunctional family ever to pop up on earth.) John says to me, "I can't believe its been a year . . . I remember talking to him like 5 days before he died . . . We were talking about how he was going to come out in the summer, and all the fun we would have . . . He was excited to come out."
Deep breath, I can talk about this without loosing it, right?
I say to him, "He was super excited to come out, he always loved you all so much. He loved getting to go out with you and have fun and do normal things. I talked to him the day before he died. But it wasn't a great conversation, I was tired, from working at the store for Thanksgiving . . . I was wore out. And so I asked him if I could talk to him "Tomorrow" and he said yes . . . who would have thought that tomorrow would never come. The last thing I ever said to him was, "I love you." and he said "I love you too Momz."
John said to me, that when I called to tell him that Thomas died (I don't remember calling him- I remember calling Alex (my oldest son) but beyond that I don't remember calling anyone else.) John said he was heart broken, and in true "Bad kid" fashion, he drank till he passed out . . . I guess I was going though the same thing "Bad kid" thing . . . because I drank a lot during that time too . . . I just hurt so bad and didn't want to feel . . . and I couldn't think of another way to not feel the deep hurt and loss. (I know that sounds stupid, because I still hurt and I still felt the loss, but it was dulled by the liquor~ when you loose a child, there is no such thing as "comfortably numb" no amount of liquor can make it feel better.)
About this time in our conversation, Alex came up stairs and listened and then chimed in. He looked me in the eyes and said, "Thomas wouldn't want anyone to be sad. He was done. He isn't sick anymore. He wouldn't want you to be sad." And I hear and understand those words . . . They are true . . . Thomas wouldn't want me to be sad. But my heart doesn't seem to agree. My heart wants her boy back . . . (I know that's not possible, but its still what my heart wants. And you know what they say about the heart~ "The heart wants what the heart wants.")
There are better days in this process of grief, and then there are those other days . . . This week is filled with "Those other days".
I got in the shower on Sunday afternoon, and as the water hit my body, the tears started . . . the anger started, the pain started . . . I stayed in the shower and cried till the water ran cold . . . My family hates it when I cry . . . they hate it when I am so sad I can't think straight. The shower is a good place to let go of it all . . . (Typically I'm alone in the shower, and between the water and the tears its hard to tell which is which)
I have fought with God for the past year about him taking MY Thomas from me . . . I have battled and raged . . . I have had days where I KNOW that Thomas is happy and not in pain any more, that he was more than done living, and then I have those days where the part of me goes crazy thinking, he was MINE . . . and I want him back . . . and that its not fair for someone young to die. Dying is only for old people~ for REALLY REALLY old people . . . Young people should NEVER die . . . There was so much he didn't get to do, so many things I wanted for him. I always told him I would be the grandma to his kids . . . where are his kids, where is his wife, where is the life he should have gotten!?!?!?!? I know in my heart of hearts that Thomas is happy to be done living . . . I know that he is where he is supposed to be, I know that he is free from disease and not in pain . . . I know . . . I know it in my head . . . but my heart still aches for my boy.
I have had a lot of love and support this past year, and I'm so grateful and thankful for that. . . My kids, Extras, Tim, my family, friends and SBA ladies . . . so much love and support . . . I am a blessed lady . . . Without the love and support of all my special people I don't think I would be doing as "good" as I am . . . My friend Mimi is spoiling me with Scrapbook things~ she said I should get a box on Wednesday, am I getting the box because it's Thomas' anniversary and she is trying to keep me happy, or because it's the day before Thanksgiving, or because she KNOWS I love getting presents?? I don't know . . . but what I do know is that its a good thing on a bad day . . . and maybe it will help to raise my spirits . . . See the love and support. And Today my BFF Jaqui is coming to see me at the store . . . to spend time with me . . . to hug me and love on me . . . I am blessed.
Alex is right . . .
Thomas wouldn't want me to be so sad . . . but for some reason I just can't help it . . . I miss him so much. I miss our phone calls . . . our talks . . . I even miss the hospital nurses calling me and telling me that the only way they could get him to calm down from the pain is to call me, and have me talk to him . . . I miss his face, I miss his smile . . . I miss everything about him. He was my boy . . .
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