Angry . . .

I went to church yesterday.

I have been wanting to go for a while now and since Jessie is living with me, she wanted to go to.

I have never "searched" for a church before, I didn't know it would be this hard.

When I was growing up, my family was Jehovah's Wittiness', and I stopped going years ago . . . I used to go to the memorial (Passover) every year, but stopped doing that too. I just really don't like the people who attend that church. To me they feel very Hypocritical . . . and I don't know if its ALL the kingdom halls (the Church) or just the one I went to . . . but that doesn't really matter, because the Theology doesn't ring true with me, they have a lot of hokie ideas as far as I'm concerned.

So yesterday, Jessie and I put on our "not holey" pants (That's what she told me to wear, when I asked her what we should wear) and we went to the church that I went to for the funeral of Michael Hulbert, the boy who was killed in the car shooting, the funeral I went to with my extras. (I posted about it last may)

It was super interesting, considering that the last time I went to church was when I was still married to Rafael. I liked that church, I went with my writing mentor Lee Karr. It was a good fit for me. But sadly, Rafael got custody of the church in our divorce, even though he had NEVER gone with me. (Plus it's on the totally opposite side of town, and I HATE to be in the car) so that church is out for me because I don't want to be in the car that long. So back to what I was saying, It was super interesting to go into a new church without knowing anyone. These people were super friendly and nice . . . They had a New member packet, and gave us a cookbook. I thought that was super sweet. All the people were friendly and smiling, and very welcoming. And people were dressed in everything from Dresses to short with white socks and sandals, and foot ball jersey's . . . that was odd to me too . . . but I guess it's doesn't really matter what you dress in as long as you show up, right???

There was a lot of music in this church, they have a band up on stage and they play rock and roll church music and sing, and the boy who is the lead singer has a wonderful voice and a lot of talent on the guitar . . . but he needs a hair cut!!! His hair was hanging in his face, and drove me crazy!!! I just wanted to grab my scissors and go up and trim his bangs so he could see!

But what was strange to me, is that the "pastor" got up and spoke wearing Jeans and a Hawaiian shirt . . . ok . . . weird . . . but that was fine I guess (Just not what I'm used to. The Jehovah's wittiness men still wear suits and ties, and the women wear skirts and dresses (The women/girls are not even wearing slacks, always dresses). And when I went to the other church, the pastor wore a suit, and people were a little more dressed up, not quite as casual as this church) . . . So back to yesterday, the paster talked (And yelled, he would be talking and all of a sudden he would be yelling about something, it was super weird, it wasn't even like he was yelling about something important, he was just yelling . . .. I didn't like that) about how Jesus loves us no matter what . . . that even though we are all sinners Jesus loves us. I liked that . . . but it also set me in to a head space where I thought to myself, GOOD GOLLY AM I ANGRY WITH GOD! And I am . . . I'm so angry with God for first of all letting Thomas have Leukemia, and secondly for taking him from me!

Part of me thinks it's irrational to be MAD at God, and part of me thinks well, it's all Gods fault. I miss my Thomas so much, I'm a good person, I should have to grieve like this . . . he was my boy. And then the other part of me thinks, well at least I have someone to blame . . . My head is a confusing place.

Jessie noticed in the program that they have a grief class on September 19th . . . and she offered to go with me to it. Part of me thinks I want to go, part of me doesn't want to go . . . I still can't talk of Thomas much without crying . . . and I don't want to go to that class and act like a blubbering idiot. I don't know. I have a week to decide if I want to go to it or not . . . I just don't know if I'm ready. I don't know.

Jessie and I don't know if that church is a good fit for us or not . . . next week we will try to go to a different one and see how that goes . . . We will keep looking till we find one that fits us. In the mean time, I need to figure out how to get over being angry with God . . . any suggestions???