Grief

Well . . . I am not my normal self lately. Not that I'm claiming that I've ever really been normal.

I cry a lot . . . random things hit me. And I just cry . . . My boys and even Tim don't know how bad it's been for me lately . . . Because they don't like it when I cry. So I try not to cry around them. I hate feeling this way.

Valentines is next week . . . and I'm not ready. I'm not prepared. I'm not even close to being ready. I don't have my valentine cards made, I don't have the mailboxes done. I'm just "NOT" ready . . . It's like my creativity is on vacation somewhere with my motivation . . . And that's a bad place for those things to be when I need them.

I saw my Doctor yesterday and he told me that its "Normal" for me to be this way. That he would be more worried about me if I wasn't this way . . . Have you ever felt like you wanted to tell a doctor to "Go fuck your self." Well that's what I wanted to say. I didn't say it, but I wanted to.

My whole world revolves around me being creative . . . and when I'm not creative things fall apart. My business is about me being creative . . . Although I can fake it till I make it, with the pretend happiness . . . I can not fake creativity . . . Hey people look at this really ugly thing I made, want to pay me lots of money for it . . . because no where else can you get something ugly like this . . . . UGH!

I guess this is all part of grief . . . But I don't like it. I don't like it at all.