We were laughing

My oldest brother died in 1986, January.

I loved him so.

He treated me like a treasure, I was his Baby sister . . . and I'd love it when I would get to see him. Those times were few and far between (he was a lot older than me~ nearly 15 years older)

When he was home, we would laugh, and have so much fun! He wanted to take me out for my "1st" drink, (It didn't matter to him I was only 15 at the time) So he took me an Jaqui to a bar, and wanted them to serve us . . . when they wouldn't he got mad and poured his drink on the ground.

He went with Me and Jaqui to a play a friend of ours was in . . . at our school.

We had this family balloon fight, (Left to right~ Roy, Ray, Mitch, Me, and Ralph. Roy and Ray are my brothers, Mitch and Ralph are cousins) Out of my whole life, "THIS" day was one of the best days. Its the thing that sticks in my head and heart and comes out in sad times.

Roy felt that as his little sister I was entitled to be abused by him! It was his job to pick on me when ever and how ever possible. He took that job VERY seriously . . . And loved to pick on me.

Well, when Roy died. It left a big hole in my heart. I missed him terribly and grieved him badly. (When I loose someone "I" feel shouldn't have died, I have a hard time moving through the grief, with Roy I had a really hard time. Just as I have had a hard time with Thomas' death)

For about 13 years I grieved badly, and could even feel his presence in my house with me. I wasn't afraid, but I knew it was probably time that I let him go and get on with what he had to do. I contacted a friend of mine, and she told me I needed to "Release him". So she said to write him a letter, and then put it in a bowl of salt and on the full moon, take it out side and burn it and "Really let him go". I did what I was told . . . my letter was 7 pages, single space typed. I had a lot to tell him . . . I was angry at him for leaving the way he did, and leaving his kids and wife. I was angry that he didn't say good bye to me, (But when I think of it now, I think he did . . . or at least tried to, because on the night he died, I kept hearing in my head "Sometimes you love someone so much, and you never get a chance to tell them" Which are NOT my words, I tell people I love them all the time . . . I think it was him telling me, "Sometimes you love some one so much and you never get a chance to tell them.)

My times are probably a little off, but around the time I needed to "Release him" I had a dream!~ I was in a motel with Drew (former hubby #2) and he had to walk out side, there was a package (Wrapped in brown paper) on the ground by our door, that had my name on it (It was the size of 2 vcr videos Sitting side by side, so it was long and flat) and there was a letter with it, and I opened the letter and it said "Cheri, You have grieved me so long. If you need more answers watch the videos."

So right away I put the first video in the vcr, and there was my brother Roy! And he was young and beautiful! It looked to me like he was in Moab Utah (where the arches are) The sky was so bright and beautiful, and the arch behind him was orangy red and so lovely. He was looking at me and smiling.

And then he told me the story . . . He had lost his job at John Deere, and he hated what he was doing, and he had no pride in his job, and he and his wife were fighting all the time, and he was doing drugs, and he owed people money . . . He went on and on, telling me the story, and then telling me how much he loved me and how he was proud that I was his little sister, (I was adopted~ but he never treated me like I didn't belong.)

In my dream I watched the whole video and was so happy . . .

But I have never put the second video on to watch . . . I still don't know what that second video is . . . what's on it or anything about it . . . I have always thought that when I "needed" it it would be there for me to access, as I know he gave it to me to have answers to questions left unanswered. Who knows it the answers are things he needs to tell me, or if they are other answers to other things. I guess I will know if I ever see the other video.

So the point of this long drawn out story is~ Within the last month I have found Roy's girls!!!! I was so young when he died, and I think my mom and dad didn't feel overly comfortable with staying in contact with Roy gone . . . But it had always troubled me, that we had lost his children, so I have been searching for them for a while . . . probably for about 2 years now. And I found them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I found Jill and Lucy!!

We have been in contact via Facebook!

They are grown women now! Beautiful women! With children of their own!

I have been taking the contact slow . . . letting them set the pace because you know me, I could overwhelm them with my Cheri-ness . . . if I wasn't careful. And I don't want to scare them off.

So early this morning I was sleeping, and dreaming . . . and I dreamed that Roy was with me and he was teasing me, and we were laughing and we were throwing balls along this green belt to see who could throw the ball further, (I think he was even letting me win~ because I know I can't throw a ball further than he could) and we were laughing so much we fell on the ground and laid there and talked and laughed . . .

I haven't dreamed of Roy since the dream of Moab . . . but I think it was his way of telling me that he is happy I found his girls! That he is happy, that I didn't stop caring just because they were not a daily part of our lives.

I really believe this dream was his way of telling me "Thank you for finding my girls." Today is going to be a wonderful day!!!