Sad news

My uncle Richard died yesterday. Feb 4 or 3. (I don't know exactly I'm not really in the loop of knowing details~ and as I am a detail person I feel extra out of sorts for not knowing.)

He had pulmonary fibrosis. And then late last year in 2010, they told him that he also had single cell cancer. At that point they took him off the donor list (he was on the donor list for a lung transplant) and told him to go home. The end was near, they would keep him comfortable but the lung he had hoped to get was not part of the plan anymore.

I talked to him on the phone right around thanksgiving, and he seemed in good spirits. He struggled to breath but we had a good conversation. I had tried to text him a few times since and never received a response, but come to find out, he didn't have a cell phone any more. (Which I didn't know about till last night~ Again, not in the loop)

I go through this every time someone from this side of my family dies. I'm totally out of the loop, as I have been for my whole life. They don't know me, I don't know them, and though I try to keep in touch with them, it seems as though my efforts are futile.

Even when my own biological father passed away, everyone called to talk to him and say goodbye, I had no idea what was going on, and no one bothered to call and tell me. I thought he was safely in the hospital, and planning on going to the next hospital the next day. I didn't find out what was going on till the following morning at about 5 my aunt called to tell me he died, and then about 4 hours later my sister called me. I didn't get to say good bye, and the last time I had talked to him, my words were flippant and insensitive, "Only the good die young Joe, you should be around forever." He proved me wrong. He died 3 months later . . . And those words to him have haunted me since. I didn't ever get to say what I wanted to, or needed to and that has haunted me since, and I'm very angry at my family for not allowing me that.

Then when My Grandma died the same thing happened. A day or so after it happened my uncle called and told me she died.

and now the same thing with Uncle Richard. I never get the opportunity to say goodbye . . . they always take that from me. I'm out of the loop and it hurts my feelings.

But I need to snap myself out of it . . . I need to realize that this isn't about me . . . I need to send love and compassion to my family who is missing the loss of the person who passed . . . but its sometimes hard to move beyond my own feelings and think outside of myself.

As with Thomas I think someone who has had to suffer with a long debilitating disease when they finally get to the end of their lives they are relieved, and I think sometimes the family is a little relieved also . . . for the one ready to go on to the next adventure they see it as a beginning of the end of the pain, and the excitement of the unknown . . . for the family they see the loss, the every day ache of not having that person around any more. As my family in Texas grieves I send my love and compassion, and if they let me know when the funeral is, I will send flowers. Its not much but it makes me feel better to do it.

I'm sure Uncle Richard was ready to go. . . I know he will be missed.

Rest in peace Uncle Richard!