Have you ever had one of those moments where you feel compelled to do something and then think you are being silly and disregard it? I had one of those days yesterday (Sunday)
I have a pretty big week this week. Well, kind of. I have a pretty big Monday and Tuesday, and the rest of the week depends on how Tuesday goes.
Today (Monday) I am going to be on the radio, on a show called "Unsung Heroes", and tomorrow I get a tooth removed that abscessed last Wednesday and I have been on antibiotics since then for. The rest of the week is still up in the air, who knows how bad the tooth extraction will be.
So back to the point- (I get lost in tangents all the time)
Since this is a big couple days for me, I figured that going to church would be a good thing yesterday morning. I truly do love my church . . . I'm not as active or regular as I would like to be, but I also know that everything comes in time and when the time is right I will do more.
One of the things I really love about my Church is at some point during the service, they bring out "Pray partners" to pray with anyone who thinks they just need a little more. While these people are praying all over the sanctuary, the rest of us are singing, and me, well, I'm singing distractedly . . . as I'm watching the humble people go out to the pray partners and as for help. (I hate to ask for help- I know, it's a personal flaw). Every time I see this happening in the church, these people, heads bent together and prayers being said, I get all choked up and emotional. Its truly beautiful.
I've been pretty laid up with this tooth infection for the last few days . . . and yesterday I was finally feeling as though I was well enough to take on church . . . I got there feeling fine. I got there a little early, and wandered a bit. I walked by the prayer room and wanted to go in . . . but then thought, "how silly are you Cheri, you don't need to go in the prayer room". So I went to the bathroom instead. After my potty break where I didn't really need to piddled, I Went in to the sanctuary and took my seat, I like to sit on the raised seats, by the sound booth, because I love to watch how emotional and impassioned the sound booth guy gets when we are singing. (Yes I get distracted a lot.) I start reading the program, and I'm feeling fine. The service starts and we start to sing, and all of a sudden I'm swaying on my feet . . . I feel like I'm going to faint. I widen my stance, maybe I had my knees locked. My head is spinning. What's going on with me? I leave my seat and go out and get a bottle of water, glance at the prayer room as I walk by, it's still those same people sitting in there, they must be the ones who pray with you or talk to you or help you. How nice for the people who go in there. I'm feeling better. Water bottle in hand, I go back to my seat. They are still standing and singing. So I drink some water and start singing. And I'm back to feeling woozie again, head can't focus, and I feel dizzy, like I'm going to pass out. I have sweat dripping off of me. What's going on?? I sit down and finish singing, I think it would be horrible to faint in the sanctuary during the songs or prayer.
They brought out the prayer partners and I watched the people go to them . . . I love that part of church! Typically brings tears to my eyes . . . This time, I'm crying . . . Why am I crying . . . Get it together Cheri! What's wrong with you?!
Just as they are about to bring out pastor, I grab my book bag and I am going to leave, I am too dizzy to stay, I will go sit in my car for a while.
I didn't make it to the car, some how I ended up the opposite direction of the parking lot, back to the prayer room. I don't remember walking there. I truly don't. All of a sudden I was just there. I stood in the door way for a second and the two people in the room welcomed me in. I didn't even make it to the sofa, before I was sobbing. Good Lord, I hate crying! Sobbing is even worse! And I'm doing it in front of strangers! What's wrong with me!!!!
Some how through the sobs I tell them my name, and that I'm going to be on the radio (today) on "Unsung heroes" and I don't feel like a hero, and I don't want to go on the radio and cry. I don't want to disappoint anyone. . . I don't want to let anyone down, and I especially don't want to let Thomas down.
they talk with me for a while, then they sat on both sides of me on the sofa, and held my hands and prayed for me- with me. I just felt like a quivering mess . . . like my insides were shaking. They allowed me to stay in there longer, and just talk . . . They were very sweet. The longer I sat in there the better I felt. The tears dried up, and I felt a bit stronger.
So, why didn't I just go in there when I first got there? Why did I have to be pretty much dragged kicking and screaming in to the prayer room? (And don't even get me started on "Who" was dragging me in there) Everything in me was telling me to go, and I didn't listen . . . My morning would have been so much easier if I had just listened to what was going on with in me in the first place.
I guess thats part of this spiritual journey . . . learning to listen. To know that spirit isn't going to lead me wrong.