Thomas

I talked with Thomas last night . . . He's not doing real well . . .

He is super angry . . . and really doesn't want to have the Chemo treatments . . . I think for him he thinks that it shouldn't be this hard to live . . . He has has a tough life.

Part of me understands. Part of me doesn't.

Alex and I were talking about Thomas, and he said "Mom would you want to go through Chemo again knowing what it was like the first time?"

I can't say I would . . . but the selfish part of me doesn't want to give up on Thomas . . . The selfish part of me wants to have him with me all the time.

Right now he has some sort of infection in his throat that makes eating and talking really hard, he's angry and in a lot of pain. He's yelled at his nurses and told him to leave the room. He has even pulled out his IV . . . So part of me wants to smack him, and part of me wants to hold him till the end and let God have him so he doesn't have to suffer any more.

Just writing those words makes tears come to my eyes . . .

So what to do?? Do I tell Thomas it's ok to die? that if he is done fighting that it's ok . . . or do I tell him that he has to fight, he has to live because I've had him in my life for most of his life and I don't know what I'll do with out him.

I don't think there is a good answer . . . All I know is I don't want my boy to suffer . . . I don't want him to have pain . . .

Damn!!! I wish I knew the right thing.