Ask and you shall receive . . .

I had to go to a funeral yesterday . . . the funeral of a young man, 22 years old. He was shot and killed in a drive by shooting.

I didn't know him . . . but I know so many people who did know him. My Extras . . . and we all know that there is nothing I wouldn't do for my extras.

I have to say, I did NOT want to go. I hadn't had to go to a "Sad thing" since Thomas died. And as I'm not feeling the strongest, I really didn't want to go . . . I thought I would get in there and start crying, and never be able to stop. You know, those tears that start off as one thing and turn in to tears for everything in the world that has ever upset you . . . that's what I thought I would have.

One of "my ladies" ~ Jill in Chicago said~ You know it's okay to have a melt down. It's okay to really cry and cry hard at this funeral. It's sad. You are sad. My counselor told me that there is this fear that if you start to cry you will never stop. She said to think of crying like any other function. When you go to the bathroom you don't think, "I'll sit here and pee and pee and never stop. You will stop." You might cry. You might cry until your stomach hurts. Please think of all of us with our arms around you!!!

I teared up and also giggled when I read it! I love my ladies! Good golly, these women are amazing, and can cheer me up when I'm at my bluest!

I thought of all "My ladies" and the strength and prayers they give me and send me. Wow! I'm a lucky girl.

I was weepy in the store . . . I didn't want to go.

I was weepy when the "extras" came though . . . I didn't want to go.

I was weepy when I made the flowers for the funeral. . . I didn't want to go.

But my extras were counting on me. I would be the only "mom" there . . . and my bio children would not be able to attend, so I was going to be going with just my extras . . .

I got in the car to go . . . Weepy . . .

And then out loud I said "Dammit Thomas! I don't want to go! I want you to go with me." When I pray, I pray to God, but I wasn't really praying, (typically I don't cus at God, ~ Well . . . When Thomas Died I did, but people tell me that in situations like that, God is used to it.) I wanted to talk to MY boy . . . I wanted to have a conversation with him. I wanted him to help me . . . to be with me . . . to know that even though this wasn't "his" funeral, that I carry him with me in all I do and that I cry and I hurt and I ache, and I want to make him Rice-a-roni, and buy him Slurpees. I want him to know that my life is forever changed because of him.

I don't know if you will think I'm nuts (you probably already do) but I have wanted to "Feel" Thomas here . . . like a ghost or a spirit, I wanted to feel his presence, I wanted to feel him close to me . . . and since he has passed I haven't felt him . . . not at all . . . I have ached to feel him. But then . . . I know in my heart of hearts I did everything I needed to for Thomas, I was ALWAYS there for him. I have no regrets as far as Thomas is concerned (Except for the fact that he is gone) But Thomas' family I'm sure is aching and questioning . . . I'm sure that Thomas has been with them . . . that they need his support . . . and Thomas knows/knew that I had Tim and my boys and friends, and "My Ladies" (Who were always so good to Thomas) and all my other extras . . . Thomas knew I would be fine . . . eventually.

Thomas also knew that if I really needed him I would let him know . . . "Dammit Thomas . . . ."

I "Talked" aloud to Thomas in my car as I drove toward the funeral . . . Saying that I needed him, I needed his support, that I knew he has had to be with his bio family, but this is one of those times where I really needed him. That I didn't think I could do this without his help and his strength.

And as I drove . . . I felt this warmth . . . This peace . . . This love come over me. (Ok you can think I'm crazy, but it happened.) I FELT THOMAS! He was with me.

I felt strong!

My tear dried up.

I smiled.

I talked with Thomas all the way to the funeral (No, he didn't talk back, I'm not THAT crazy) but I did feel this peace . . . this love . . .

I got to the funeral and I saw my extras . . . Josh was supposed to be a pallbearer and he fell off his motorcycle and broke himself really bad (he had to fight with the hospital to let him out to come to the funeral), he is one of mine. And he needed me there.

Scotty, was going to speak a the funeral, and he needed me there. (my Scotty is the one with the microphone)

I sat between Johnathan and Chris and they cried through the whole thing . . . they needed me there.

I stood at the casket holding hands with Brooke, she needed me there.

And I was strong . . . I didn't weep . . . I held my kids! I loved my kids and was strong. I felt Thomas sitting with me.

At the end of the service the pastor said this~

"Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there

I do not sleep

I am a thousand winds that blow

I am the diamonds gift of snow

I am the sunlight on the ripened grain

I am the autumns gentle rain

When you awaken in the mornings hush

I am the swift up lifting rush-

Of quiet birds in circled flight

I am the soft stars that shine at night

Do not stand at my grave and cry

I am not there

I did not die."

This is the poem that came on the card from Thomas' bio mom and dad and the service they had for him. Jaqui read it at the service we had for him. When the pastor read it yesterday, and I'm sitting there "Feeling Thomas" I knew that my prayers had been answered.

I got back to the shop, and mom and Jaqui asked me how it went, they were worried I would go and have a melt down. But I told them that I was fine . . . that Thomas went with me, and I was fine.

Thomas stayed with me till about 8:30 last night, as I am making flowers for Mothers day, I'm happy . . . my boy is with me . . . but then he let me know he had to go (I can't even describe for you how he let me know, but he did.) I told him I didn't want him to go . . . and then I smiled because I got exactly what I had asked for . . . I asked Thomas to go with me to the funeral . . . and I even got him a little longer than that. I knew/know he couldn't stay.

It felt so good.

I don't know, maybe I'm crazy . . . maybe it didn't really happen. Maybe it was all a figment of my imagination . . . or maybe a miracle happened and my boy came to the funeral with me because I needed him to . . . Maybe on this special day . . . God listened to what I really needed, and granted my prayers.

I don't feel Thomas today . . . I'm back to being my ol' weepy self . . . but for a few hours yesterday I was strong . . . I was happy and I felt the love of my sweet boy.

Betrayed . . .

Have you ever been betrayed by someone you love? Someone you opened your heart and life to? This has happened to me several times. And it seems that when it happens, it conjures up all the other times.


I will talk about the recent time last . . . As it is still fresh and in my new found "calmness" I'm trying not to let it turn me in to something scary.


Do you remember Deb? A "wonderful" friend of mine.

We stopped being friends back in the early 90's. It was my 25th birthday and she and former hubby #1 planned a birthday party, and then (I guess as my present) slept together in my bed while the party was happening. Isn't that special? Don't you wish you could have birthdays just like me?? UGH!

I'm a forgiving kind of gal and Let her come back into my life again years later, and then I booted her out again because her husband wanted to sleep with another of my friends, and he was creating issues for her. And since I was on the side of the other friend, trying to help her hold her life together, Deb screamed and yelled at me that I was keeping her hubby from having his happiness. (His happiness at the jeopardy of others- I's not supposed to be that way, you are supposed to hope for everyones greater good, not try to bring them down.) I didn't get it then and I don't get it now.

Silly me . . . I let her come back years later again, and she ended up doing drugs with one of my sons . . . Humm . . . I guess what I realized is that I can deal with a lot, but don't mess with my kids. She is out, and I won't be letting her come back again. I think I'm a little hard headed, and it takes a bulldozer to actually make me see what the reality of something is. And what is funny is for years the "true" friends, had been telling me that she was not a good friend . . . I guess I'm just hard headed.

When Thomas died . . . I realized I has a lot of "friends" who were just friends when they needed something or wanted to know what was going on in my life. (Don't you know, my life is very exciting and everyone seems to want to know what is going on in it.) So there were several people I got rid of. People who knew Thomas, who should have been at his memorial service but couldn't be bothered to be here . . . (you don't go to a funeral for the person who has died, you go for the people who are left and grieving~) My "Friends" should have been here to support me, and help me through . . . but they turned it into something about them . . . People who just create more drama in my life than they do good. People who want to take the little things they know about me, and twist and turn them to create their own reality and apparently try to feel better about themselves by dragging someone else down. People who can't be bothered to be a real friend and be there for someone they "Say" they care about . . .

I don't like those kinds of people. I don't have any use for them. And it has taken me 43 years to figure out, that those are not really "Friends" they are just people passing through, what's a betrayal or two between "Friends"? This stops now. I'm tired.

I have always been one of those people who will do everything I can to help someone. When I'm your friend, you can count on me . . . for what ever you need. I will drop everything I'm doing and take care of what you need me to do. I will help you even when I'm too tired to raise my head or I have other things going on.

But . . . when I need someone . . . I can count on one hand the people I could call that would be there for me. Humm . . . it's funny how that works out. So where are all the people I have been there for, who should treasure me as much as I treasure them. Humm. . . . . I guess they are on vacation or something.

I guess what hurts the most is when you open your heart and your home and your life to someone and they take advantage.

I love Destiny . . . and totally adore Kennedy! But I'm tired.

We found out yesterday that Tim's GPS and Ipod that were stolen about a month ago, are in Jason and Destiny's cars. Humm . . . When Tim questioned her about it when she was sitting in my living room after I had watched her baby . . . she denied knowing anything about it. Humm . . . so why is Tim's GPS in Destiny's car? Why is Jason listening to Tim's Ipod?

What I don't understand is how can she know that she has Tim's GPS and think this is ok? Think that her husband can steal from us, and that we are going to all be ok. How sad? And what bugs me is that I have given her so much . . . how can she betray me by doing something wrong?

I don't understand . . .

They have ruined the trust. The friendship. And taken away the one thing that makes me really happy . . . My Kennedy. How can I have Kennedy in my life when I can't trust the mom or dad? I can't . . . and that is horrible. So my heart hurts, because I will have to give up my Kennedy . . .

I am betrayed. Once again . . . for the goodness of my own heart . . . and the love I show and give so easily . . . Betrayed.

I'm upset, but not as upset as you would think I would be. I guess I knew it was coming. I am not going to put a lot of energy in to this, I have bigger things to do today than worry for people who are hurtful and selfish. And since I am off all happy pills (antidepressants) and am working on finding my greater good, I can focus on the negative.

Today I'm going to go to the funeral of the boy who was killed in the drive by shooting. I'm not going because I "knew" him, I'm going because my "extras" have asked me to be there. This is the first sad thing I've gone to since Thomas died. I don't know how I will get through this. I cry for Thomas all the time still. So going to another funeral is probably going to be really hard.

"Jiminy Cricket" aka Gennae doesn't want me to go . . . I think she thinks I'm too fragile and it's too soon. But I have to go for my "extras", because that's the way I am . . .

So I'm going to take deep breaths and slowly put one foot in front of the other, and make it through this day . . . ok, and I'm going to wear waterproof mascara . . . because I see this as a crying opportunity.

They are planning a balloon release like we did for Thomas . . . and I figured I will write on my balloon that Michael should find Thomas in heaven . . . that Thomas will "show him the ropes" . . .

All right, enough ramblings from me today . . . I have to get my "STRONG" going . . . Think good thoughts for me today.

Send "Life Goes On" By LeAnn Rimes

Life goes on, life goes on, life goes on...

You sucked me in and played my mind

Just like a toy you would crank and wind

Baby, I would give til you wore it out

You left me lying in a pool of doubt

If you're still thinkin youre the daddy mac

You shouldve known better but you didnt and I cant go back

Oooh, life goes on, and its only gonna make me strong

Its a fact, once you get on board say goodbye cuz you cant go back

Oooh, its a fight, and I really wanna get it right

Where Im at, is my life before me, got this feeling that I cant go back

Life goes on, life goes on, life goes on...Wish I knew then what I know now

You held all the cards and sold me out

Baby, shame on you if you fooled me once,

Shame on me if you fooled me twice

Youve been a pretty hard case to crack

I shouldve known better but I didnt and I cant go back

Oooh, life goes on, and its only gonna make me strong

Its a fact, once you get on board say goodbye cuz you cant go back

Oooh, its a fight, and I really wanna get it right

Where Im at, is my life before me, got this feeling that I cant go back

Na na na na na life goes on, na na na na na made me strong

Got a feeling and I cant go back

Life goes on (and its only gonna make me strong)

Life goes on and on and on

Shame on you if you fooled me once,

Shame on me if you fooled me twice

Youve been a pretty hard case to crack

I shouldve known better but I didnt and I cant go back

Oooh, life goes on, and its only gonna make me strong

Its a fact, once you get on board say goodbye cuz you cant go back

Oooh, its a fight, and I really wanna get it right

Where Im at, is my life before me, got this feeling that I cant go back

Na na na na na life goes on, na na na na na made me strong

Whoa, yeah

Got a feeling and I cant go back...

Tragedy for my "extras"

You all know how much I love my extras!

Where would my life have been with out my extras?? I have spent so many years being with them that it just seems NORMAL that they are a part of my life. Doesn't everyone have extras? (I know they don't but in my world it would be normal)

So here is the news article~ it can say it so much better than I could.

AURORA - The friends and family of a man shot and killed on Interstate 225 early Saturday morning have offered up to $30,000 in reward money for information leading to the arrest of the person responsible.

The Aurora Police Department says Michael Hulburt was a passenger in a car headed south in the left lane between 6th Avenue and Alameda, when a sports utility vehicle came up behind the car, flashed its lights and began tailgating. "There's somebody out there that killed my son that needs to be caught," Scott Hulburt, Michael's dad, said.

"The driver of the victim vehicle tapped on his brakes a couple of times. The suspect vehicle pulled into the right lane up next to the victim vehicle and someone in that vehicle fired multiple rounds into the victim vehicle, at which point the victim was struck," Aurora Police Detective Shannon Lucy said.

Hulburt died later Saturday morning at the hospital. Now Hulburt's family is asking for the public's help to catch the person or people in the SUV.

"Just help," Scott Hulburt said. "Get the message out that there's somebody out there that killed my son that needs to be caught."

Aurora detectives say the SUV was a dark color with tinted windows and distinctive, double headlights. The top headlight on each side is white and an amber colored light is just below. Detectives said Sunday they have already received some tips and are following up on those.
While arrests won't bring Hulburt back, his family is hoping for answers.

"You don't get much peace when there's no answers," Scott Hulburt said.
The police department is asking anyone with information to call Detective Tom Wilson at 303-739-6711.

This reward money is in addition to the up to $5,000 being offered by the Aurora Police Department Reward Fund.A memorial fund has been set up. The fund name is: The Michael Hulbert Memorial Fund. Donations can be made at any Key Bank location.

My Sweet Scotty~ Cried all the way through Thomas's memorial service, He will be speaking at Michael's service. Scotty has been one of mine since all the boys were so little they had to hold hands to cross the street. My heart hurts that he is hurting!

They (Scotty and the other friends "Pallbearers" of Michaels) will be in my store today blowing balloons for the service. (If I was single and a million years younger . . . these boys are sooooo cute! Bad Cheri . . . ) My store isn't that big, but I can't tell them not to all come, if they need to come, and they need to do this for their friend, I am always happy to help and let them.

Scotty loved the balloon release for Thomas so much that he doesn't think that Michael should go away without one too. *Their balloons will be white, green and blue

This is the front yard memorial for Michael . . . It struck me hard . . . What a difference a day, week, month, year make . . . The sadness of the front yard memorial hurts my heart

Because a couple years ago, that same front yard had happy things happening in it.

Tony (you can tell tony~ He stands out in a crowd- he is the one in the cream pinstripe tux) and crew left for prom from this house . . . this same house where sadness lives currently, is where all these happy young people were thinking of the future and what was going to happen after high school (As this was their senior prom)

So everyday . . . every minute of every day . . . remember those you love, pray for them, think of them, do what you have to do for them, because you never know . . . you never know how much time you have . . .

Love with all your heart . . . don't hold back . . . what are you holding back for any way . . . if this is the only life you get to live, then you want to be fully vested in each and every moment of it. Love, and live . . . touch people and be touched . . . It's what you will have wanted to do . . . if something should happen . . .

I miss Thomas horrible . . . but . . . I know in my heart of hearts that I did EVERYTHING I was supposed to do . . . everything I needed to do . . . every thing I wanted to do. I have no regrets as far as Thomas goes . . . because I lived fully in the time I had with him.

I hope my boys will have that same feelings over all the people who touch them and their lives. Never regret . . . live fully.

My Ladies

If you ever talk to me person to person or ear to ear, then you will hear me say "my ladies". That's the group I belong to on the Internet . . . It's not really called "my ladies" but that's what I call it. I don't really want to give out the name of the group, because I can go there and it's MY special place . . . . I can say what I want to, and they all smile and pat me on the head like the sweet wonderful handicapped child, that (I'm sure) many of them think I am!

Though I haven't met many face to face, I talk to many on the phone, and the internet for me and my ladies is an everyday thing. I ask them about everything . . . from what toilet paper they use, to how to find a church. They answer me with love, patience and compassion.

And those poor ladies had to put up with me when Thomas died . . . (We haven't had a Thomas picture in a few days) I can't tell you how many cards and letters, emails and phone calls I got. They are amazing! It was like I was the poster child for hysteria, and they were the "Cognac" that calmed me down.

Lately, I have been thinking about "Church" about finding a church and trying to figure out how to go about doing it. Of course I go to "my ladies" for this.

Many posted to the main board what they thought~ pray about it, go to churches in the neighborhood and try to find one that meets my needs, they had a lot of suggestions (But its early and I've already been crying so my brain isn't working like it should~ So I can't really come up with the other things they have said.)

This morning I opened up my account where "my ladies" hang out, and I had a private message. Here it is ~

Cheri,

I hope you don't mind my sending you a private message.

I firmly believe that if you pray for the Lord to help you find where He wants you to be, He will.

You know that Thomas joined The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, nicknamed the Mormon church. You also know that my son and Thomas became very good friends through church. I am so glad they were friends. I believe they still are.

One of the things that our church believes is that relationships are eternal, both family and friends. The spirit lives on, and so do the relationships that we build here on earth. Thomas found a great deal of comfort and happiness and friends in the Mormon church.

In general, members of our church are a happy people. We believe that God wants His children to be happy. One of the ways we find happiness is in service. We serve each other, and we serve our community.

We also are usually among the first to give help when disaster strikes, whether here on American soil, or in foreign lands.

When my husband and I moved out here to Virginia, we had no family here. We knew no one. However, our church quickly became our family. During the 30 years we've lived here in Virginia, we've been in four different congregations, which we call wards. They have all been like family to us. We attend church based on the area where we live, not who gives the best sermons. We also don’t have a paid clergy.

If you attend one of our church services, you will probably find it very different from other churches. There are usually three or four uplifting talks given during the service rather than one sermon, given by individuals from the congregation. Both men and women speak during the service, and both men and women can give the prayers. We teach from the Bible, but we also teach from the Book of Mormon and the words of our modern prophets and apostles.

Music is a part of our worship, too. Our meetings center around the Lord Jesus Christ, what He taught, and how we can follow His example.

Individuals are very important, as well as families. Each family and single person is assigned a “home teacher” who is supposed to check on them each month to make sure everything is all right. If someone is out of work, the church has employment specialists to help them find a job. Food and other commodities are provided to those who are in need. In addition, each of the women have a “visiting teacher” to make sure that our special needs are met. We have our own women’s organization, called Relief Society, to give relief and comfort whenever and wherever it’s needed. Our efforts are not limited to members of our faith.

My husband and I are hoping to eventually move closer to our married children. When we do finally leave here, I will find it hard to leave behind my many dear friends from church who are truly like my own family. However, I also know that wherever we go, we won’t have to go searching for a church we like. The personality of each ward is different, but as long as we’re trying to follow our Savior Jesus Christ, it will feel like coming home to me.

If any of this sounds like what you’re searching for, there are missionaries in your area who can teach you more. You can also go to www.mormon.org which is especially for people who want to find out more about our church but aren’t ready to actually have missionaries come teach them.

If you aren’t interested, though, I won’t be upset. My faith has brought me a great deal of happiness, peace, and comfort. And I thought you might like to know a little more of the church that Thomas joined. This is simply an invitation to learn more to see if it’s what you are looking for, but please don’t feel pressured if you aren’t interested.

Whatever you decide, whichever church you feel is right for you, no matter what it is, I hope that you find the peace, joy, and fulfillment that you desire.

Sincerely,Louise

(Her letter made me cry. Pretty much any time someone brings up Thomas I cry (Therefore, the morning tears. ) Sweet Louise is the poor lady who had to tell me Thomas died too.

I try not to cry whenever someone brings up Thomas . . . but I miss him so.

Just to tell you what a goober I am, I listened to my phone messages the other day just to hear Thomas' voice. He said "I'll be at Walter Reed on Tuesday." Well Damnit Thomas Don't be at Walter Reed on Tuesday, be here!!! I'm waiting. But that's beside the point. (Tim says he thinks I'm trying to hard to be with Thomas, that's why he isn't here. I think that with as hard as this has been on me, I did EVERYTHING I needed for Thomas, but his bio family didn't, and he is having to be there with them right now, because they are struggling (Even more than I am, because they were horrible to him) . . . That's my story and I'm sticking to it.)

The Mormon people I know, are beautiful and wonderful, loving and caring . . . I will call one of them today and ask for a book. (Just to make Thomas and Louise happy) Do you remember all the cookies we had at Thomas' memorial service? That was due to the Mormon Church ladies. I think if I had told them I wanted a meal at the service they would have rallied for that too. The Mormon church also provided the programs and the chairs. I was so blessed with them helping! I can't thank them enough!

I don't know that the "theology" works for me, but I love how sweet and loving every one is! So we will see . . . we will see what pops into my head and my heart . . . I hope some where in my quest for a "church" that I find a spiritual family . . .

this is the song playing in my head today. Its called Time, by Hootie and the Blow fish. (As I haven't figured out how to put a play list on my blog (Gennae can you help me- I mean- Do this for me! ) Here are the words to the song . . . I took out some of the ones I didn't need . . . So here is part of the song. (Again, it's my Blog, and I get to do what I want! I love that!)

Time

Time, why you punish me?

Like a wave bashing into the shore

You wash away my dreams.

Time, why you walk away?

Like a friend with somewhere to go

You left me crying

Can you teach me about tommorrow

And all the pain and sorrow

Running free?

Cause tomorrow's just another day

And I don't believe in time Time,

Can you teach me about tomorrow

All the pain and sorrow Running free?

But tomorrow's just another day

And I don't believe in...

[chorus:]

Time is wasting

Time is walking

You ain't no friend of mine

I don't know where i'm goin'

I think I'm out of my mind

Thinking about time

And if I die tomorrow, yeah

Just lay me down in sleep

[chorus]

Time, you left me standing there

Like a tree growing all alone

The wind just stripped me bare,

stripped me bare

Time, the past has come and gone

The future's far away

Now only lasts for one second, one second

Can you teach me about tomorrow

And all the pain and sorrow

Running free?

'Cause tomorrow's just another day

And I don't believe in time

[chorus]

Time, why you punish me?

It's a great song, so if you get an opportunity to listen to it, I think you will enjoy it.

Prayers needed

I love this man.He has been my best friend for nearly 30 years.

He and I have shared the ups and downs of life . . . He has been my measuring stick that I've gauged all the other men in my life against. He has been my middle of the night phone calls, he has been the "push me to the next level" person . . . he is constantly pushing me to try and do . . .

I want to smack him in the head with a baseball bat! (no, that's not an exaggeration.)

This is Roger and his son Jacob . . . There is A special bond between them. Roger raised Jacob from the time he was a 1 pound 15 oz preemie all by himself. When Jacob's heart stopped, Roger revived his tiny son and has been his sole parent since.

This is Roger's wife and her two beautiful daughters, Brianna (the older one) and Dakota (the younger one.)

I'm choking up on the bat as we speak.

I wasn't sure about Hileigh at first . . . I had been the "Woman" in Roger's life for more years than I could count . . . and then finally, someone stepped in, that didn't replace me, but complemented me and the relationship I have with Roger.

It was hard being Roger's "Best Man" at his wedding to Hileigh . . . he had been "mine" for so long, I wasn't used to sharing, and all the other women in his life had excluded me, and made it really hard for me to be his "best friend". The day before their wedding I almost came home, it would be too hard to watch Roger leave me and be with someone else . . . He was replacing me, so I thought. But then after a day at Sea, he and I talked and he reassured me that he would always need me, want me and have a place in his life for me.

This is a picture of Brianna and me, last summer 2009, when she came out to Colorado and spent time with her Auntie Cheri and Uncle Tim . . . What a super smart, wonderful young lady with a fantastic head on her shoulders! I'm proud to be her Auntie!!!

She is a FANTASTIC musician! And an A+ honor student . . . smarter than most adults. She spent the day with me and Tim and talked about music and watch Cotton Club with us, because she loves that time period! She is amazing!

After Roger and Hiliegh got married they decided to have an "Ours" and got twins.

David~

Lilly~
They are 3 years old now, but I like these pictures of them, and as this is my Blog I can put what ever pictures I want on it.

As the little ones are still little, this blog is more about Brianna and Dakota and Jacob . . . and well . . . of course Roger and Hi.

In the last few years Roger and Hi have struggled . . . the jobs they were working went "toe up" and they had thought they could make money in the housing market and bought 2 tiny houses in the California Bay area for the tune of 1 million dollars. They were up to their eyeballs in debt when the housing market went under. Then Hi got some figment of her imagination disease, and Roger lost his job . . . Talking to them on the phone was like taking downers. Seeing them was even harder.

18 years ago, Roger would keep me up all night long crying and talking to me on the phone, he finally decided to go to AA and has been sober ever since.

Last week, he called me and told me he was going to drink. He hadn't done it yet . . . And I wanted to scream NO NO NO NO NO. . . But as he and Hi were going to do it together (They met 13 stepping~ When two people in AA hook up) and she was off the wagon too . . . I knew there was nothing I could say that would change it.

Yesterday, I got a call from Roger, and he said that Hi is doing Meth.

I don't even have words or thoughts or . . . anything I can say . . .

her figment of her imagination disease gives her "Chronic pain", she is "Tired", she doesn't have any "Motivation", and the Meth helps her. It "helps" her to have to motivation to take care of the twins . . . it gives her the energy to want to go to the park with them. Maybe they should make a commercial for meth that says, "If you want to have the energy to deal with life, have some Meth, and all will be wonderful and rosey." I think it would be a great selling tool. UGH!

Again I have no words. . . . Just tears. And a VERY broken heart

All the things that Hi has, I have, but I'm not standing on the corner doing meth. (What do you do with meth any way, smoke it, eat it, snort it?? I don't know. See if I knew where to get drugs I wouldn't know what to do with them when I got them. Don't worry, I'm not going to do drugs. Never have, Never will.)

Roger tries to justify her actions to me.

In that Justification he says, Well I pour myself a drink (32 oz of rum with a little coke in it and gets to drunk he stumbles to bed. Plus he has started smoking pot with Hi. I guess it's their bonding time. UGH!!!) to decompress and sit and watch movies on TV. WHAT DO THEY HAVE TO DECOMPRESS FROM????

Oh did I tell you that Last week, Roger got put on Disability for Depression, and has been out of work since? Along with Hi Being on Disability for her "Figment of her imagination" neither are working, Roger is drinking and smoking pot, and Hi is drinking and using meth and smoking pot . . . I am devastated.

I want to hit them both in the head with a base ball bat.

She is on a slippery slope . . . and holding tightly to Roger's hand and taking him down with her . . . and what of those 5 kids???

I worry for the kids . . . I talked with Brianna last night . . . and told her I'm there for her . . . for all the kids just to keep me posted. I am only a phone call away.

I KNOW that there is NOTHING I can do at this moment . . . there is NOTHING I can do to FIX any of this . . . but it makes my heart hurt . . . and I have to ask everyone to help me . . . to pray to ask god, gia, Jesus, a saint . . . who ever your "higher power" is to help . . . help the kids, they have got to be safe . . . the parents need to be beaten up . . . but I'll take care of that at a later date. (I don't need help with that)

I am giving this up . . . I can't let it make me sick . . . but I can have people pray . . . Think good thoughts for the kids. They are all amazing! And need the love of everyone who has the ability to send them good thoughts and strength.

Today tomorrow and always~ Please God, Keep Brianna, Jacob, Dakota, David and Lilly safe, and out of harms way. Let them thrive and be drug free people . . . let them make good choices. PLEASE, Keep them in the safety of your arms.

I give up . . .

I give in . . . things are too BIG for me to take on . . . they are too much for my heart to bear . . . I have to give it up to a higher power . . . to let God take care of those I love, that are traveling a black and darkened path. I can't fix it . . . none of it.

I can cry.
I can yell.
I can hang up the phone.
I can ache.

But in the end, I have no control . . .
I can worry.
I can ponder.
I can hurt.
I can give it up to some one who can take it on . . . because I sure can't.

I feel like falling to my knees and crying, begging God to help, to fix it . . . but then the "logical" (Yes I said the L word . . .and applied it to myself.) side of myself says that God doesn't just fix things because he got a decree from Cheriland.

"Fix it God!"
I know it doesn't work that way . . . but it is worth a try.

I don't know if it is MY lesson that needs to be learned or other peoples. But apparently God has some sort of plan I am not aware of . . . I like it better when I'm "in the know" but I don't think God works like that . . . If I am going to try to tread this path, then I'm going to have to give up trying to KNOW and MAKE SENSE OF THINGS.

So, just so everyone knows, I give up . . . I'm giving all this to God to take care of . . . Its in His hands. (I did give the kids MY phone number, sometimes I think I'm a little quicker working than God, so the kids can give it to me, and then I can work my magic, and then I can give it to God and he can do what He has to do.)

Oh, and if God needs a day off, I am ready to take on a day so He can get a good tan . . . I have a few things I would like to fix.

Calling . . . calling all Cheri's . . . ok just one Cheri . . Me.

I have had a lot on my plate lately . . . a plate that has felt over full . . . heaped with piles of things I didn't want to eat, just couldn't bring myself to stomach. So slowly . . . ever so slowly . . . infinitesimally slow I have been scraping my plate. There are certain things in life that we have no control over . . . and I have realized I have little control over . . . anything.

But in this realization~I realize I have a calling.

I bet you are wondering what that calling is . . .
Well, you aren't the only one . . .
I am wondering too.

Its like I feel it deep inside of me . . . something pushing me, something pulling me, something that is in the back of my head at each and every step of the way . . . Cheri . . . Cheri . . . Cheri . . . Calling me.

I know those of you who know me have probably got your fingers on the phone to call the loony bin to come pick me up . . . (I know you just want to collect that $50 buck for turning in a crazy person ~ ) I'm not crazy . . . ok . . . that was a lie. I am crazy. You know it, I know it, there really is no hiding it. But that is part of my charm, part of what the draw of ME is . . . . You know you love a little Crazy in your life . . . why else would you be my friend, why else would you draw me in to your life? You like Crazy . . . you know it, it's time to just admit it.

My friend Mac always says to me ~ "Cheri you have a Great big Heart and an itty bitty brain" I don't take offense to this comment, because I know it's true. I know in that Great big heart of mine that its true.

My heart has known pain . . . because it is so big. I have brought people in to my heart who have lied to me, and hurt me. I have brought people in to my life who I thought would be here forever, and then they left me. I have brought people in to my life and hoped and prayed for their good, but in the end they have worked harder than my hopes and prayers to destroy themselves. I have LOVED . . . with every fiber of my being. And even through all the pain, I would not trade one moment of the pain of loss and hurt, for those special moments I have shared with the people I have brought in to my life.

I think that's the biggest thing I have learned lately~ That even though things didn't end the way you wanted them to, the journey, those special moments, the connections, the special gifts, the time . . . it was all so worth it.
My heart was touched . . .
my life will never be the same.
I am forever changed by the things that have happened in my life.
I am forever changed by the path I have walked.
Isn't that cool?

What if I had never left Drew? (I can hear the collective groan . . . Be nice!) part of me thought I would never recover from leaving him. That I would hurt and ache from that forever . . . but slowly my heart healed. I grew strong again. And the biggest blessing of all . . . I was given Tim . . . but would I have been ready for my love with Tim if I hadn't been "blessed with Drew" (Ok you can giggle at that) I learned so much . . . I grew through my pain, I learned how strong I was.

My Friend Johnny and I would walk and talk, and it seemed as though the conversation always came up "Do you get more than one great love in a life time?" I had my doubts. I thought I had already had it. I thought Drew was it. And through some horrible cosmic catastrophe I had let it slip through my fingers. But . . . then the blessings of a good man. . . of a different kind of love . . . came in to my life. And I had the sense to see it and appreciate it. But I don't think I would have, could have, if I hadn't been through the rain storm.

Its not "logical" to "think" with your heart, but I've never been accused of being logical, so that doesn't bother me. And if you are a fan of the TV show Bones, you will hear Brennan saying "It is impossible to think with your heart." But I do. I think with my heart, I feel with my heart, I love with my heart . . . everything I do is emotionally driven. It makes me a good artist, a good friend, a good lover, a good human . . .

I have struggled . . . I have been through a lot of things in my life . . . Things that have hurt me, taken me down to the bare bones, things that I would never wish on any one else. Things that have left me bleeding metaphorically. Things I NEVER thought I would recover from. But with all the struggles I have been through in my life, I think one of the hardest has been loosing Thomas. (I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry , I'm not going to cry . . . ok, I'm a little better now.)

Thomas, my angel , has taken me by the hand . . . and shown me the things I should be doing. (No, I haven't been visited by his ghost, although I would like that ~ I know you think I'm strange. No he has not literally taken me by the hand. (No you don't need to call the loony bin).

With his escape from this world, I have ached , hurt, cried , and been ANGRY I have been angry at everyone, from my friends, to Thomas' family, to the hospital, to Leukemia, to the fact that no one made Thomas Rice-a-roni, to the fact that Virginia is so far from Colorado, To God. I have been so angry at God for taking MY sweet Thomas from me that I am surprised God hasn't struck me down with a lightening bolt. But instead HE has just brought me rain . . . rain to hide my tears, rain to help cleanse my hurts. And then he brought me rainbows!

So I hear a calling . . . a calling to do more than I am doing now.

"Calling" . . . MY Calling. I don't know what it is . . . Do you? I feel my self on the first steps of the yellow brick road . . . and just like Dorothy I'm going to "follow the yellow brick road" I don't know what perils will befall me on this path, I don't know exactly where it's going to take me, I don't know who I will meet, but my ruby slippers on set on the beginning of the path and I'm going to take that first step.